Thursday, November 29, 2012

Things That Make You Go Hmm....

I met this guy over the summer at a speed dating. We kept in touch over the past few months but just finally went out for dinner the other night.

We met at PJs in Haddonfield. I had a horrible day and wasn't really in the mood to go out but I wasn't really walking into an actual "date", I saw it as dinner with a friend. I wasn't sure if I was interested in the guy for a few reasons, so I didn't have any real high hopes anything would come of it, but then again, you never know.

We sat down for dinner. I ordered my favorite soup; french onion, well done, and a salad. He followed suit and ordered the same. We were making small talk about dating and how hard it can be at times when he says to me "I have to tell you something that will probably shock you." Now I've heard and seen just about everything when it comes to dating. Hell just the other night I had a man ask me if I was a witch. Apparently he had just had a date with a Wiccan so this was a new, standard question he asked women. I should have showed up on our date dressed like this...I have a feeling if I had he wouldn't have cared if I was, indeed, a witch!
In fact, he probably would have asked me to spank him with my broom...but I digress.
 
As I waited to hear what this "shocking" news could be, I couldn't have conjured up in my head what came out of his mouth next. He said "I'm a swinger." Now I thought one had to have a partner to swing, which was my first question. Here you can be single and swing, I guess it may not be as easy as being coupled up but one can swing solo. I was flabbergasted. I mean WTF - I have been on a lot of weird dates but this one was taking the cake. He then pulled out his wallet and handed me his "Pleasure Den" or some shit like that membership card to let me know he was for real. Yeah, really fucking weird!
 
I asked him a bunch of questions, one of them being if I could blog about him. He said I could, that is, if I joined him one night at one of the parties he goes to. I said hell no! Though honestly I am curious as to what goes on at one of these shindigs. Spankings? Whippings? Man on man? Man with man and woman? Woman and man while others watch? Is there a two for one deal some nights? But at the end of the day, tattoos and all, I am a conservative woman when it comes to sex, especially being shared and me sharing my man.
 
Needless to say things would never work out with my swinging friend, but hell were my eyes opened up to a world most of us never think about. He said swingers are regular people, just like you and me, which I can totally see. We are all a little freaky deaky in our own way, and if swinging is what gets you turned on, then I saw swing away!
 
The next day I checked my OK Cupid account. I was matched up with a transsexual man. Yes a transsexual man. He was in the midst of reclaiming his manhood (literally) after being raised female. I suppose he was a hermaphrodite at birth. He was my match of the day. My fucking match of the day. Sometimes you just have to shake your head and laugh at the insanities of trying to meet someone. Swingers, witches, hermaphrodites...all within a five day period. All I need now is a midget hitting on me. Oh wait, yup, that already happened.
 
 
 


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Patent Pending

I met "Patent Pending" on a Friday night for a movie. We went to see The Campaign since we were both huge Will Farrell fans. He was cute, a tad shorter than me, but he wasn't a scrawny guy so the height difference wasn't a big deal.

We were early for the movie and the theatre hadn't let out yet so we waited in line to get in. You know how you don't like others to overhear what you’re talking about? Well that's the type of girl I am, especially on a blind date. I don't need the world to know about my pathetic dating life. Blogging about it is one thing, having people actually see and hear about it is another. Ths guy was so loud. He kept complementing me which is nice but it was over the top. The women behind me kept looking at me with sympathy. He was a dork. A short, dorky guy. I was trying to get him to shut up by not feeding into the conversation but he was a talker!

After the movie, which he talked almost the whole way through, we went to a local bar for a drink. He had told me earlier in the night he had been working on a patent, and if, when bought, would yield him millions of dollars. Currently he was working part-time so he was really banking on this going through. When we got to the bar (we drove separately), he brought in a folder of paperwork. He said he didn't want to leave his patent paperwork in the car for fear it would be stolen. We were in Cherry Hill, not Camden. I really don’t think someone is going to break into his car for a folder of paperwork whether we were in Moorestown or Kensington...who the hell cares?

I rolled with it. After all he seemed like a nice guy with some quirks but we all have quirks. He wanted to keep the date going so we decided to head into Philly (folder and all) to go salsa dancing. I drove (I don't drink and he was already a beer and two shots in) and on our way to the city he started telling me the craziest stories. Some so crazy I won't even write about them. The cliff notes version is he had had some bad things happen during his childhood, which in turn caused major anger issues as an adult. He played a lot of sports in his teenage year which masked the issue but by the time he was in his early twenties it had gotten so bad he had to be institutionalized. OK - this is where I decided to turn the car around and head right back to Jersey.

He kept on rambling on and on about his issues. He reassured me that he never actually hurt anyone, or caused any bodily damage. He just had some real mental issues that he was working through.

I took him back to his car, made up some lame excuse, and drove the fuck away. The guy was a mental case, literally.

He still texts me every so often and asks me out. The last text was about him renting a Maserati and us going to AC for the night because his patent was going through and he was going to be worth millions. I'd much rather date a man worth thousands with a Ford than Looney Tunes.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The "Pot Head"

I dated the “Pot Head” a few years back...actually more like six years ago but who's counting? A story is a story! I met the Pot Head at PJ's for a drink after exchanging numerous emails. He had a great sense of humor; the chemistry between the two of us was instant! We laughed, busted on each other and had a great time. I was so excited when he asked me for a second date!

He picked me up for dinner and at first I couldn't remember why I was so into him. He had a lazy eye (I now am a sucker for a lazy eye) and was quiet. We went to an Italian restaurant where he had made us reservations. Little things like opening a car door, making reservations, etc. add up and can really sway a woman from not being sure about a guy to liking him. I was impressed but while we waited for our table it was awkward. Whatever we had the first time we met was gone. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation.

Over dinner he seemed to loosen up a little as did I. I guess we were both nervous and an hour into the date we were right back to laughing and having a great time. Dinner was amazing and when we got into his truck he looked at me, leaned over and kissed me. It was one of those fireworks going off in every direction kind of kiss. A kiss that only happens a few times during a lifetime. I was smitten by this guy! He was funny, had a good job, was chivalrous and there was no shortage on chemistry.

Every time we would get together for a date our lips would instantly connect and before we left the house we'd be kissing. We'd make out in the park, at the bar, in the car, on the couch; at the Phillies game...we just could not keep our hands off each other. I thought I had struck gold!

Now I don't drink. I don't smoke nor do I use drugs. I don't care if a man I date drinks, unless he's an alcoholic of course but I'm not too keen on dating a guy who smokes or uses drugs. Say he smoked a little weed here and there - that I could live with. But when the Pot Head confessed to me that he was a heavy pot smoker I was crushed. I felt like the wind had been removed from my sails and my happiness dissipated in thin air. Kind of like the way smoke disappears after you blow it out from smoking a joint.

He asked me if it was a big deal, or a deal breaker shall we say, and I was honest and said it was. What came as a complete shock was when he told me he'd stop smoking because he really liked me. Just like that, my balloon was re-inflated and I was as high as a kite. No, not literally!

A few weeks went by and things were still going great. One night we went on a double date and when back to his place. Upon entering the house, a familiar smell creeped out the front door. His roommate and friends were there smoking a shit load of pot. Listen, I was 28 at the time. I haven't done puff puff give in an easy 10 years if not more, so sitting there I thought to myself what the fuck am I doing here? Being stone sober with a bunch of stoned people is not what I call a good time. I swear I saw this banner hanging in his roommates bedroom:

 
My beau looked at the joint longing for a hit, or two, or three. Hell he looked at that joint with more longing than he had ever looked at me with! I knew right then and there my man was more into a lady named Mary Jane than myself. He ended up smoking that night. And the night after. And the night after that. Needless to say I would definitely cramp his style and things would never work out but man I will never forget the way he kissed me. Too bad Mary got between us.

Monday, November 12, 2012

The "Foot Fetish" Man

I met the "Foot Fetish" man on match.com. We were exchanging text messages Saturday afternoon and all in all he seemed like a fairly normal guy. He asked me a lot of questions, one being if I had any pet peeves or fetishes. I replied with my typical list of pet peeves: laziness, tardiness, lack of drive/motivation, not open to trying new things, etc. I have to say in all honesty I don't have any weird fetishes which got me thinking maybe I should get one, but that’s neither here nor there. I asked him what his were and he replied with "I've been told before that this is weird, but I have a foot fetish." I wasn't sure exactly what he meant; I've heard of fetishes before but never knew what the extent of one could be. I asked him to explain what the fetish consisted of. He said that he really likes feet, very pretty feet. He likes to touch them and look at them in different shoes. Kind of like trying on lingerie for your man but instead trying on shoes turned this guy on. He even went as far to say he wouldn’t date a woman if she had bad feet.
 
The fact that this guy really had a thing for feet didn’t bother me. We all have something...no matter who you are there is always something. What was strange is when he asked me to send him a picture of my feet. It was as if he wanted to pre-screen my feet before actually meeting me. Remember the Eddie Murphy movie "Boomerang?" There's this scene in the movie where Murphy's character pulls off the bed sheet to check out this beautiful woman's feet. They weren't to his liking so he decided to never see her again. I mean come on now, how picky can you be?!?!?
 
I decided to play along, I mean hell I never had a request like this before and was interested in knowing if my feet would pass his test. So I slipped off my Uggs and propped up my feet, hoping the lighting was just right to make them look magnificent. It's not easy trying to make your feet look pretty, at the end of the day they are feet and are not meant to be attractive. After a few takes I decided my feet weren’t going to get any better looking and sent off the picture. So here, for your viewing pleasure, are my big, size 10 feet:



Thankfully my toes were polished because if they weren't I think he may have had a stroke.

I anxiously awaited his reply, wondering if he liked what he saw. Ding ding ding! They were approved! He liked my feet! Woo hoo this meant he would meet me for a date! I felt so honored and overwhelmed with emotion that I gave my feet a little high five for a job well done. (I could not be being any more sarcastic.) 

When we did go out I found out he was living in his relative’s basement and unemployed. My poor feet were so disappointed L they literally couldn't wait to walk away.



Thursday, November 1, 2012

Frustrated

This post isn't about a bad date I've been on, instead it's just a brain dump of my thoughts on dating in general.

If I count the years I've been single and dating we're looking at around seven. That may not sound like a lot of years but if you're actively dating it can feel like a century. I've tried everything from blind dates, speed dating, numerous dating sites (I'm embarrassed with the amount of money I have spent on them. I could probably have bought myself an expensive handbag or take a trip to Italy!) But at the end of the day I am eternally optimistic that I will meet someone and develop a long term relationship. Getting to that point on the other hand is hellish at times!

After going on a string of bad dates, one may find them contemplating celibacy. I have on numerous occasions proclaimed to never date again! It's a fucking jungle out there and the rules have changed. What is with the three date rule? Google it - it exists. Now a days sex is expected, if not given, on date three. I decided not too long ago to throw my standards and morals to the way side and tested out this three date rule. Guess what? Never got a fourth date! And it did not surprise me. But I liked him and decided to give this new way of dating a try. Yeah I won't be doing that again! 

The rules, or lack there of, have all but completely disappeared in 2012. I'm not  touting dating should be a game of chess but what i have learned this past year of dating is it is. Dating is a game, and if you don't play it, or don't play it well, you're going to lose. Not all the time but the majority of us will. I have thrown out all of my "rules" trying to be more of a modern woman, or more available and guess what...it ain't working!

We women have so many different outlets on dating advice. Cosmo, books, Google, etc... No wonder why we're, or shall I say I, am so confused! One article says one night stands can lead to a relationship, another will say wait three months before having sex. Call him, it's ok to be the aggressor, men like that. Then you're told do not pursue at all. I thought I found a happy medium between the two but I'm starting to think differently.
Dating is hard, meeting and developing a good,healthy relationship is even harder. Maintaining one for years is the hardest. 
You know I write a lot about bad dates, mainly because they are funny. But lately I've been more and more disappointed with myself, with men and with the game that I need to go back to what works for Val and fuck what the books and magazines say. At the end of the day you have to if not be happy (which I hope you all are) but at least content with yourself.

Friday, October 26, 2012

The Firefighter

I can't remember who set me up with the "Firefighter", I think it may have been an old bartender friend of mine. She did a really good job on selling him to me, part time cop, full time firefighter....all I could think of is what uniform I wanted to see him in (and out of) first!

He was out with a group of friends so I rounded up my single friends, which at that time turned out to be my single friend, Sarah, and met him at a local bar/restaurant in my hometown. When I first saw him I was shocked. He was not a good looking guy; I mean he was downright ugly. As Sarah said "His face would look better if he had been in a fire." I know that is harsh but man was he fugly. GREAT body, BAD face. It's hard to keep a straight face in these situations, and it's really hard to look at someone you are simply not attracted to. I made pleasantries with him for about an hour or so and declined going on to the next bar with them. He messaged me later that night asking me out on a date. I tried to decline nicely but he wasn't getting the hint. I used the "I don't feel any chemistry" line which somehow turned into me going on a date with him a few days later.

At PF Changes I was still having a hard time finding him attractive. I mean he wasn't as ugly as I thought he was the night we met, but I still didn't find him attractive. I was trying everything to let him know we weren’t a good match so I said I liked a blue collar, hardworking man but he needs to clean up well and be able to talk business at events I have to attend for work. Pretty much I was trying to say is I have unrealistic expectations and am extremely picky with hopes he’d find me to be a snob and not be interested. Well that backfired when he took his black dinner napkin, placed it in front of his face and quickly dropped it and said "I'm white collar", then brought the napkin back up to his face, dropped it again and said "Now I'm blue collar." He did this a few times with enthusiasm and ended it with "I'm a chameleon!"



On the way home I again said I didn’t feel any chemistry when he asked to see me again. That again was brushed off. When he walked me to my door I tried to say good night and go in but he was quick and kissed me. When the kiss was over he said "Now how's that for chemistry?" and proudly walked away. All I kept thinking was it wasn’t a bad kiss but then again my eyes were closed.



.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Speed Dating

In my attempt to find love I have tried all sorts of things. Lock and Key events, online dating, blind dates and good old speed dating. Now I tried speed dating twice, once in my late twenties and again a few months ago. Listen up ladies, you need to hear about this and learn from my mistakes.

First lesson: do not, I repeat, do not go speed dating unless you are in your late forties or early fifties. These events always have an age range and the women always fit into that range. It's the men who have an easy ten to twenty years plus the max age range. So if you're looking for 30-39, the men will be 49-59. Both times I tried speed dating this happened. There may have been two men in the actual age range and believe me they were a prize to be had simply for the fact they were my age!

Lesson numero dos: go with friends! Both times I went with a friend who made it that much less painful. The first time I went it was held at The Public House in the city. I went with two girlfriends and we sat next to one another. Now by the end of the night you don't feel like talking anymore. Imagine having 10 mini-dates with unattractive men...you don't have much to say. I told one man I was a sheep herder back in Switzerland I was so bored. As the night was winding down, my second to last "date" shifted from me to my friend. Half way through their date he excused himself, went to the bar and never came back. I thought it was hilarious; my friend on the other hand did not share in my delight over his behavior.

Number three: do not take it serious. I had one guy tell me he didn't like to go to the beach in the summer. Instead he enjoyed walking around the mall. Another laid it on so thick after the dates were over my friend and I exchanged notes and he had used the same lines on her.

Four: Do not go into the night thinking you will meet the "one". You will end up at the local bar drowning yourself in martinis or at McDonald's ordering the number one sobbing to the drive-thru teller about how you really wish they could super-size it.

And number five: you may actually get a date out of it! I did go out with one guy who as we were walking into the restaurant snorted, coughed and spit out a nice big loogie. See what you have to look forward to?!?!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Math Teacher

A colleague of mine wanted to fix me up with a friend of his so of course I was game. Blind dates can lead to wonderful marriages, or so I've been told.

The Math Teacher and I had spoken on the phone for hours leading up to our date. He was hilarious which is a great quality to have. He picked me up and had brought a farting Santa for me. Yes a farting Santa. When you squeezed Santa's finger he would fart. I loved it! I mean who doesn't love a farting Santa as a "Nice to meet you" gift?
Now Santa cost $16 - I tell you this because $16 dollars comes into play later in my story.
 
We went to the Tortilla Press in Collingswood which is a good first date place. As we were having dinner the conversation was up and down but there wasn't any reason to not see him again. He was cute, funny and brought me a gift. I chalked the lack of great conversation up to first date jitters.
 
The check came and as I always do I went for my wallet. Now for any man who is reading this...when a woman does this on a first date tell her to put her wallet away. Take charge here and pay for dinner on the first date. The Math Teacher did the exact opposite. He sat there examining the check, trying to split it up. I asked him how much could I give and he didn't reply, just stared at the check trying to do the math which made absolutely no sense since he was a math teacher!
 
I just so happened to have a twenty, ten, five and one on me. I took the money and fanned it out on the table as they do in the casino and told him to take what he needed. Don't you know he initially went for the twenty! My meal wasn't even $15 dollars! He put the twenty back then took the ten, then the five and finally the one. $16 dollars he took. I wondered if he took $16 dollars to cover the expense of the farting Santa or my meal! I didn't ask for the farting Santa but I sure did pay for him!
 
Now he would have easily gotten a second date if he had paid for me. I would have been fine with leaving the tip but when a man asks a woman out on a date, and if he's interested in another one, he should pay. Ladies are you with me on this one? So when he called for a second date I made up some excuse and never answered his calls again.
 
 
When I told my colleague what had happened he was stunned. I asked him why he thought the Math Teacher and I would be a good match and his reponse was "Because you're both single." A lot of thought went into that one buddy!
 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Mr. "DC"


For those who read my blog, you may remember my one post about my good friend Sarah. She is the eternal optimist when it comes to love and is always on the lookout for a good man for me. Well she introduced me to Mr. "DC" who was attractive, had a good job, owned a home AND a car and was actually quite the gentleman. I ask all you single ladies out there, how often does a guy like this come around these days? I thought I hit the jackpot with this one!

DC, as he has been coined, was a great dater too! Took me to Fogo de Chao, Peddler's Village, Spamps in Conshy and 99% of the time HE planned the date and paid. Ding ding ding...winner!!! Everything was going well and we had been dating for about six weeks when I had a dinner party to go to. My friend was hosting a sit down 30th birthday party for her boyfriend at restaurant in West Chester and told me to bring a date. So I asked DC if he'd like to come with me to which he replied yes.

While DC and I were dating, his company had started requiring him to go work in Washington DC two to three days a week. So Monday through Wednesday he worked in DC and the dinner party was on Friday. Things with DC started to feel a bit off the week of the dinner party. He was distant, not really reaching out to me much. I just blew it off and figured we could talk about it Friday after dinner and if at that time he wasn't interested anymore we could just go our separate ways.

Friday rolled around and that afternoon he sent me a text telling me he was still stuck in DC but would be at my place in Conshy by 6:30 so we could make the 7pm dinner. That was a 3pm. By 6pm I hadn't heard a peep from him so I messaged him and asked how close he was. His response was he was trapped in a conference room and that the company had just laid off a bunch of people. He even said how sad it was because it was Christmas time and what a bad time of year to lose your job. So I said "You're still in DC?" and he said "Yes." Ok, you're trying to tell me he didn’t have five seconds to text me and let me know he wasn't going to make dinner?!?!

I went to dinner and since my friend had already paid per head I decided to eat DC's apps and dessert. Come on, I was having a bad night and food was my only friend!

The next day I went to the Army/Navy game which was a welcomed distraction since I hadn't heard from DC at all. When I got home from the game I signed on to Facebook and went to DC's page (we were FB friends). Ok, get this, that piece of shit put on his status THURSDAY how happy he was to be home. I'm not one to stalk a guy’s FB page that I'm dating so I had no clue whatsoever that he had been in NJ the entire time.

I didn't do what I wanted to which was slam him all over his FB page. I simply deleted him and told all my friends about his small stinky balls. If he hadn't have stood me up that would have made it to the grave with me. So he goes by two nicknames, DC and Stinky Balls. I mean that shit was pungent!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Mr. "Have fun having no fun."

Against my better judgment I went out with a man who was recently separated. When you get to be in your thirties and are dating, men and women alike are likely going to come with some type of baggage. Whether that be children, divorce, bankruptcy...hell in this economy some men are living in mom and dad's basement! So I try to be open minded and not follow such a rigid list. (Note to self: stick with the list!)

I met Mr. "Have fun having no fun" at Dave & Buster's on a Friday night. He was a good looking guy, a man's man which I find attractive. We talked a bit before shooting pool and he had JUST moved out of his wife's house and into his own apartment. I thought this may be too fresh of a wound for me to be getting myself into. But again, I try to be open minded.

We got a pool table and he started texting as I'm shooting pool. Now I expect, shit I want, the man I'm out on a date with to take a peek at my ass when I'm bent over the pool table taking a shot or at least trying to get a view of my cleavage. I certainly, under no circumstances, want him texting. Needless to say his texting was a turn off to me and it signaled that he wasn't interested. As we shot pool, or should I say as I watched him shoot pool because I may have taken three shots, he continued to text. I decided instead of wasting any more of our time to wrap up the date and call it a night. He obviously needed or wanted to be somewhere else.

He walked me to my car and we gave the standard hug and peck on the cheek goodbye. He said he'd like to see me again but I wasn't going to place any bets on whether I would hear from him again. Plus I didn't really care to see him again.

I guess a week went by, maybe a little more, and I received an email from him. He explained that he and his wife were talking about reconciling and that's why he hadn't been in touch. He wasn't sure where things were headed with the two of them but wanted to know if I was interested in having some "fun" with him. Now the term fun can be taken numerous ways. In fact the definition of fun is "enjoyment, amusement, or lighthearted pleasure." So hell yeah who doesn't like to have some fun?

I wrote back asking what type of fun was he referring to. Light hearted pleasure maybe? Friends with benefits? It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what type of fun he was looking for, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting his email. No misinterpretation taken, he was indeed looking for a FWB. I replied "Yeah, that would be a negative. I'm not in the market for a FWB."

He replied to my reply with anger. The response went a little something like this:

"No wonder why men lie to women, you need to hear the lie in order for us to get what we want. At least I was honest with you about what I was looking for. Have fun having no fun."

Remember this man is reconciling, talking, reconnecting, whatever you want to call it with his wife and is emailing me for sex. Man I wonder how much fun she is having with a man like him!


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Mr. “Tell Me About Your First Sexual Experience”

My very dear friend Sarah, and when I say very dear I mean my last single friend (who is now in a relationship and has left me in this cruel dating world alone! No I’m not bitter!), and I went to a singles mixer one night up in Manyunk. It was a great event at a fun bar on the river with a good mix of people. I can’t say there were a lot of men there I was attracted to but there was one guy who kept making eye contact with me. Now when the pickings are slim you sometimes lower your looks bar to a standard you would never go to on a good day. But hey it’s not all about looks right? The personality can make or break a person, so lowering my standards seemed like a good idea.

Mr. “Tell Me About Your First Sexual Experience” approached Sarah and I. He was divorced, in his late thirties and worked in pharma and did well for himself. No children which was a huge plus especially since I was still in my late twenties and I couldn’t fathom dating a man with kids. Now I can’t stress this enough when I say I was not interested in this guy. He gave me the willies. There was something about him that just didn’t feel right, especially when he told me the reason he got a divorce was because “When my wife and I dated we were like rabbits, when we got married the bed got cold.” Who says that to a woman they’re meeting for the first time?

Now Sarah is the eternal optimist when it comes to men and dating. Love her or hate her, the bitch can find the tiniest, littlest thing about a person that is good and make it their shining attribute. She pushed him on me, rattling off a laundry list of reasons why I should give him a chance. Reluctantly, and against my better judgment, I gave him my number and agreed to go on a date.

The date took place at Dave & Buster’s, a great first date place. When I saw him I instantly remembered why I wasn’t interested, he just is not an attractive man. When he opened his mouth to speak that doubled. Thank God I was at D&B and there were be plenty of distractions. This was the type of date where you want to get in and get out as soon as possible. The type of date where you’d rather be getting waxed…Brazilian style!

We shot some pool and made small talk. A lot of his comments were sexual in nature or just plain inappropriate. About thirty minutes into the date he asks me this question: “So, tell me about your first sexual experience.” I looked over at him and wanted to club him with my pool stick, but being the lady that I am I approached him and politely told him he must have brain damage to ask a question like that. He said “So I guess we’re not having dinner then” I replied “I’d rather stick a sharp fucking pencil in my eye than have dinner with you.” Ok ok I didn’t exactly say that but it was along those lines.
 
The ickiest part was when I was getting ready to leave. He asked for a hug, and my dumb ass was like “Ok.” He hugged me in a way where I swear he was trying to become one with my body. He pressed into me and I felt like I had been violated. It was gross. It was like he was trying to have sex with me with clothes on, in Dave & Buster’s on a Tuesday night. It just wasn’t right.

I peeled myself off of him and left. Within five minutes I received a text asking if that had been the shortest date I’d ever been on. Why yes, yes it was!

He emailed me the next day to let me know I should give him another chance, that he was just having a bad day. I can only imagine the kind of questions he’d ask on a good day.

Friday, August 17, 2012

The "Limo Driver"


I didn't know what to title this post. This man did so many things wrong in a thirty minute time span to pick just one was a hard feat. So I'm just calling him by his profession...the "Limo Driver."

I met the Limo Driver at a diner for coffee. At first site he looked a tad older than 37 which is what his profile said. He was in great shape though so maybe years of being in the sun had taken a toll on him. The hostess sat us directly across from another man having lunch by himself. I looked over at him and to my pleasure it was none other than a man I had emailed on match.com who I assumed had a stroke and died since I didn't get a reply. Well Alleluia he was alive and right next to me and my date.

Within five minutes I find out the Limo Driver was 47, not the self-proclaimed 37 he had on his profile. Now some men and women will fudge their age a year or two but ten? How do you lie about TEN YEARS?!?! I asked him if he thought lying about his age was wrong, especially ten years. He replied "If I put my real age online you know what kind of women would be hitting on me? Women in their forties and I'm not attracted to women that old." Holy shit I didn't realize being a forty something year old woman was old. Look at Jen, Haley, Demi...those bitches look fabulous! I then asked what age woman he prefers to date. "Twenty-three to twenty-four. Not for their brains but for their bodies. You can't get a body like that with an older woman."

Now you have to remember as this conversation is taking place the guy I was interested in was sitting right across from us. When one dines alone they listen to everybody's conversation and I knew he was listening to ours. I was mortified.

I was trying to wrap the coffee date up but we were only ten minutes into it. We made small talk, I was just being polite at this point as we sipped on our coffee. The waitress came over and asked if we wanted a refill and sadly he said yes. He asked what my plans were for the weekend and I told him I was having a dinner party for the girls on Friday night. He told me if I needed a stripper "you know where to find me. Ha ha ha ha." I said "Umm yeah it's not that type of party" and again "Well if you need a stripper ha ha ha ha " as he pointed at himself with a shit eating grin and dirty old man laugh.

The guy at the table across gets his bill and leaves and a huge sense of relief comes over me. I look over at the Limo Driver and noticed he spilled his creamer on the table. I tell him to be careful not to place his hand on the table where the spill is. He looks down at the puddle of cream and back up at me and says "Oops, looks like I came too fast. Ha ha ha ha." He even took his hand and pretended to cover the spilled cream and said "I'm so embarrassed. Ha ha ha ha." Ok, what the fuck is going on here? Did this 47 year old jackass just insinuate that he couldn’t control himself and spewed cum all over the table? Why yes ladies and gentlemen, yes he did. Ding ding ding...check please!

I just sat there and stared at him. My jaw may have been slightly open if not on the table. He then says "I guess you didn't hear me" to which I replied "Oh no (pause), I heard you." And he starts laughing again. In utter shock and disbelief I prepare myself to leave and he follows after. He tells me at the door of the diner "If you ever need a limo you know where to find me." Yeah sure buddy, I'll be sure to give you a call when my limo needs arise. If he can't restrain himself at a diner God knows what has happened in the back of his limo.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The "Gatorade Drinking, Jerking Off" Man


I met who I initially call Gatorade for a brief lunch date. He seemed nice and was a good looking guy so when he asked to see me again I was looking forward to it. The second date, if you can call it that, was at the park near my work. It was the first really nice day we had coming out of winter and heading into spring, so the park was a great place to spend my lunch hour. I met Gatorade around noon and he had just that, a Gatorade bottle with him. Now on our lunch date he had ordered a grey goose and pineapple so when he took a sip of his "Gatorade" I smelled pineapple juice instead of the sports drink. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened next. I said to him "Wow you must really like pineapple juice" to which he gave me a smirk. I then asked "Is there vodka in there?" and he replies “Yes.” Ok, I don't want to sound super uptight here but who in the hell at 39 years old brings a mixed drink in a Gatorade bottle to the park at lunch time? I mean come on now that's not even legal! Needless to say I saw this huge red flag being waved right in front of my face but decided to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, I mean maybe he was just really nervous and needed some social lubrication.

Fast forward to date number four with Gatorade. He comes to my place and within two minutes of being in my home takes the remote and puts on golf. Now he didn't even ask for the remote, he just found it, changed the channel and sat his golf-loving ass down on my couch. I opened the bottle of wine he brought and gave him a glass. We sat there in silence, except for the brief moment where he opened his mouth to criticize the half sleeve tattoo I had been working on. So within ten minutes he was already on strike number two. We left after golf was over and walked to the restaurant. The conversation consisted of me telling him he comes off like an asshole and him agreeing, but that's just “who he is” he says.

We get to the restaurant and the fucker eats all the delicious bread and oil they bring us, not even allowing me to get some. Rule number one with me; share your God damn food! Gatorade isn't much of a talker, and instead of sitting in silence I decide to try and make conversation.  Now we all have the “in case of emergency” questions we go for when a date is going bad, so I pull out the "What hobbies do you have other than golf?" He looked at me with a look of sheer annoyance and replies "My hobbies are golfing, working out and jerking off." And this is where Gatorade turned into Mr. Jerking Off man.

Now anyone who knows me knows my face tells it all, and the look on my face was pure "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" to which he replies "I don't like when people ask me stupid questions." Well genius, how in hell are you supposed to get to know someone unless you ask questions?!?!

What I love most about telling this story is how all of my girlfriends said I should have walked out right then and there. Or they would have thrown their glass of water in his face. Yeah sure, this coming from a bunch of married women who have not a clue what goes on in the dating world. What was I to do? His car was parked at my house! So I did what I do best, ate. The food was fabulous and when he tried to get a taste of mine I practically stabbed the jerk off with my fork. Hell no was I sharing!

When dinner was over it had gotten tad cold out but Mr. Jerking Off did exactly what a jerk off would do...wrapped his jacket around his body instead of offering it to me. Can't say I wasn't surprised. When we got back to my place I politely tried to hand him his bottle of wine, in which he told me to keep it for the next time he was over. Yeah right like he’s getting another invite over.

The thing about this jerk off is he really didn’t have a clue he had done anything wrong. After that night he continually text messaged me for another date. When I finally replied and told him that frankly I thought he was a jerk off, he LOL’d and said he was just kidding when he said that. Then a few texts later he asked me what I was wearing. Guess Mr. Jerking Off wanted to do just that, come on now, it is one of his hobbies.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Quick Afternoon Delight


Online dating ensures that you will receive many inappropriate emails and text messages. I have compiled my Top Ten for your reading pleasure.

1. "You remind me of my pinky toe cause sooner or later I'm gonna bang you against my kitchen table." I actually like this one...very witty!

2. "I just had to email you and tell you I got a massive erection from looking at your pictures." How massive is massive I wanted to ask.

3. This was a text message conversation with a man I never met but wanted to send me a picture. He asked if I wanted to see a "headshot". I replied "No." He seemed very disappointed that I didn't want to receive said "headshot" so finally I said "Fine send it to me" and there it was...a hard penis in my phone. Now I don’t know if it was the screen or his penis but man was it teeny tiny.

4. One guy emailed me and asked if I would have sex with another man and him at the same time. He didn't want to actually touch the other man, he just wanted to watch. That one still doesn't make sense to me.

5. I get a lot of "send me a sexy pic" which I gladly reply to with a beaver shot. She's stored in my phone.



6. One man, who was clearly older than 40, emailed me to tell me he wanted to "bang" me. He felt the need to put "bang" in quotes. What a sweet talker.

7. I dated one guy a few times whom after a week of not hearing from him he texts me to let me know he has a headache. Why the fuck do I care that you have a headache?

8. Text from a guy "Pretty kitty got claws to scratch me with?"

9. We all remember the "Sit on my face" texter.

10. And my response to men who text me looking for sex: "When your right hand gets tired, switch to the left."

Monday, August 6, 2012

A Very Serious Case of "IBS"

Ok I want to preface this with this is an old story; I have to be going back at least seven years. Now seven years ago I was a big drinker so on the night of this date I did indeed have one too many, but no amount of alcohol could cause such a haze to forget what happened.

I had gone out with "Mr. IBS" a few times already leading up to this night. I didn't know how serious his stomach issues were but on a previous date we had gone for Mexican and immediately after dinner he went to the bathroom for a prolonged amount of time. It was not indicative of a number one. 

The night in question, and I say in question because I still don't have solid proof, we had gone to a local bar for food and drinks. I definitely had my fair share of cocktails and by the time he took me home I was a bit drunk.

I was back at home with the parents, dating's worse nightmare, but they were in bed so I invited him in. My parents’ house is a rancher, their bedroom is at the one end of the house and the living room is closer to the other end. The bathroom is in the laundry room area which is at the very opposite end of their bedroom.

"IBS" and I were watching TV on the couch and next thing you know we're kissing. Now listen I was drunk, but this I do know for sure, the make out session was pretty good. Now it could have been good because of the Southern Comfort I drank or maybe "IBS" knew a thing or two...I'm going to go with SoCo being the real culprit here. Now when you're making out with a guy and they suddenly get up to go to the bathroom a few things run through your mind. a. He really has to pee because of all the beer he drank. b. Maybe he has a major hard on and needs to calm himself down. or c. Maybe he's not enjoying himself and is looking for an exit strategy.

I sat on the couch waiting for him to return and dude was taking forever to come back. I swear five minutes went by (which in drunk time could have been three) but either way it was again not a number one type of bathroom trip. I tip toed to the back to where the bathroom was and placed my ear up to the door. I couldn't quite make out the noises I was hearing. There was some grunting, some moaning and what sounded like heavy breathing. I made my way back to the living room and just sat there trying to figure out what the fuck was going on in there. Was he jerking off? Was I that good he had to run to the bathroom and take care of business???

Finally he emerged from the bathroom. He was clammy, and beads of sweat had formed on his forehead...think Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly." He didn't seem to want to kiss anymore and I was stumped. What was wrong with "IBS"? Was it something I did? Was he sick to his stomach? He left shortly thereafter and I did what any other drunk, confused woman would do...I inspected the bathroom looking for signs of what had gone down in there. The only noticeable difference was a good amount of balled up toilet paper in the trash can, that was it!

I was stumped, crawled into bed and called it a night.

The next day I called my best friend to go over the details of my date. I explained that he was in the bathroom for a long period of time, and when he came out he was sweating. Now my best friend, who shall remain nameless, has some stomach issues. The bitch is pratically an expert when it comes to this stuff. Without hesitation she said he had a case of irritable bowel syndrome...basically dude blew up my mom's toilet. What is so very, very odd to me is there was no scent or sign of a  blow up, just those balled up pieces of toilet paper in the trash can. So I ask...was it IBS or something else? I guess I will never know.




Monday, July 30, 2012

The “Stinky” Man

Mr. Stinky was just that, stinky. I met him at Fado in Philadelphia on a hot August day. I had actually had a drink date earlier which had gone surprisingly well but cut short because I double booked. (Note to self: no more back to back dates!)  I looked good that night, dressed in a great white dress, tan and hair down and blown out, I was looking forward to a fun night out on the town.


When Mr. Stinky walked in I wasn’t sure if it was him, but he sure did know it was me.  Forty pounds heavier and balding, he didn’t resemble his pictures at all, and I have been on a lot of online dates and when I say he didn’t look like his pictures, I mean it. Now I’m not one to overlook a man who is balding, I think a man with a one or two blade buzz are quite attractive, but Stinky looked as if he didn’t even comb the few pieces of hair left on his head in place. It was atrocious.


When he came over to greet me, I gave him my standard Hello hug and noticed he felt a little wet and sticky…not to mention his white Hanes t-shirt looked fairly dirty. After I unglued myself from him, I smelled a scent on him that was vaguely familiar. It smelled as if he had doused himself in dirty old kitchen rag cologne, I’m not sure how they would market that, but if they did Stinky was all over it!


He went over to the bar to order a beer as I thought to myself “Dear Lord what have I done to deserve this?” As he wobbled back over to me I spent the next 45 minutes listening to him talk about how awesome he was…I mean he was a super awesome man! A gambling man he was, losing thousands of dollars at a time playing blackjack online, not to mention he gambled with the strength of his cologne, if he even put any on that is. He then proceeded to tell me he had been running late and instead of taking a shower, he came right from work. He worked in HVAC….HVAC IN AUGUST! I looked at him and politely said, “Next time, keep me waiting and get a shower.”


Mr. Stinky wanted to get another beer but in good old Val fashion I played the tired card and told him it was time for me to go. He wanted to walk me to the speed line and I wanted to run there. One more sticky hug and I was sent off to be free from Stinky forever.


The next day I received a message from Stinky asking for another date. I swear flies were buzzing around my Blackberry (yes a Blackberry!) when the message came through. Sadly I didn’t give Stinky a second chance. He literally only had once chance to make a first impression and what an impression he made! There are days when I’m doing the dishes and the scent of the dish rag brings me back to Stinky and the memories of that night in August.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Introduction


I can’t count on both hands and feet how many times I’ve been told I should write a book about my dating experiences. And since I am not a writer by trait, I never thought anyone would want to read a book by a non-writer, about her numerous years of dating highs but mostly lows. I’m not sure why now I’ve decided to write about my experiences, maybe because I know soon all the memories will be lost and all my stories will have vanished into thin air. I hope my singles gals out there can breathe a sigh of relief after reading my stories, knowing they too are not alone in the jungle that is now dating. And for all my married gals, I hope my stories can make you appreciate your husband.

The “Sit On My Face” Man


Mr. Sit On My Face and I had met through an online dating site…shocking I know! We had our first date at a bowling alley which was actually a really good time. He was very affectionate with me, something I felt a little strange about considering we had just met but I decided to go with it.  Our second date was salsa dancing. I was very impressed that he came out dancing with me considering he had never salsa danced before. He was a real trooper even though he was as lost as can be during the lesson. Again he was very affectionate, holding my hand, kissing me on my cheek in front of my friends.  And again, it felt strange. The third time I saw him he came over my place. We were watching TV and he had his arm on my leg which he was rubbing. He turned and asked me:

“Do you shave everywhere?”
My reply “Yes”
His reply “Good because I don’t want to get any hair in my teeth.”

My mouth dropped to the floor and I proceeded to explain to him that’s not necessarily the most attractive thing to say to a woman and that I was slowly losing interest in him because of his mouth (and yeah, the kissing wasn’t that great either so I was literally losing interest because of his mouth!).  He was very apologetic, telling me how I am a woman who deserves respect! And he was going to respect me! I decided to let it go but the very next day, after a few flirty (flirty, not raunchy) text messages I receive this one:

            Him: “I want you to sit on my face.” 
            Me: “You’re disgusting!”
            Him: “Next time maybe you can stroke it.”
            Me: “I’m done with this.”

There were numerous text messages after this initial exchange, but in the end I had asked him to leave me alone. Fast forward to the next day, after I had received three apologetic texts the night prior and four more that day, I finally replied “Thank you for your apology. Take care.” Now the “Take care” sign off should be an immediate indication I’m not interested...Or at least one would think.

The messages kept coming in, even though I wasn’t replying. He wanted to stop over to talk about things; he was intrigued by how I demanded respect and God damn it that turned him on! I told him there was nothing to talk about and I wasn’t interested. An hour or so later came a knock on my door. As I peered out my blinds like a sly cat long and behold Mr. Sit on my Face was at my door. I dropped to the floor like I was in combat and slivered on my belly to my stairs slowly making my way up to my bedroom. He kept knocking. Then my phone would ring. Knock. Ring. Knock. Ring. Ten minutes later, six calls and five text messages, I finally heard the engine turn over and the car pull away.

Now the funniest thing about this story is not even a few weeks later I see him out at a bar in Philly, a bar I have never been to before. Now for all you ladies out there who have had this happen you know just how awkward these moments are, and just how coincidental they seem. He sure as hell didn’t stay long after I walked in, took his date by the arm and left. Hopefully she gave him the courtesy of sitting on his face later that night.