Quick Afternoon Delight

Online dating ensures that you will receive many inappropriate emails and text messages. I have compiled my Top Ten for your reading pleasure.

1. "You remind me of my pinky toe cause sooner or later I'm gonna bang you against my kitchen table." I actually like this one...very witty!

2. "I just had to email you and tell you I got a massive erection from looking at your pictures." How massive is massive I wanted to ask.

3. This was a text message conversation with a man I never met but wanted to send me a picture. He asked if I wanted to see a "headshot". I replied "No." He seemed very disappointed that I didn't want to receive said "headshot" so finally I said "Fine send it to me" and there it was...a hard penis in my phone. Now I don’t know if it was the screen or his penis but man was it teeny tiny.

4. One guy emailed me and asked if I would have sex with another man and him at the same time. He didn't want to actually touch the other man, he just wanted to watch. That one still doesn't make sense to me.

5. I get a lot of "send me a sexy pic" which I gladly reply to with a beaver shot. She's stored in my phone.

6. One man, who was clearly older than 40, emailed me to tell me he wanted to "bang" me. He felt the need to put "bang" in quotes. What a sweet talker.

7. I dated one guy a few times whom after a week of not hearing from him he texts me to let me know he has a headache. Why the fuck do I care that you have a headache?

8. Text from a guy "Pretty kitty got claws to scratch me with?"

9. We all remember the "Sit on my face" texter.

10. And my response to men who text me looking for sex: "When your right hand gets tired, switch to the left."