Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Mr. “Tell Me About Your First Sexual Experience”

My very dear friend Sarah, and when I say very dear I mean my last single friend (who is now in a relationship and has left me in this cruel dating world alone! No I’m not bitter!), and I went to a singles mixer one night up in Manyunk. It was a great event at a fun bar on the river with a good mix of people. I can’t say there were a lot of men there I was attracted to but there was one guy who kept making eye contact with me. Now when the pickings are slim you sometimes lower your looks bar to a standard you would never go to on a good day. But hey it’s not all about looks right? The personality can make or break a person, so lowering my standards seemed like a good idea.

Mr. “Tell Me About Your First Sexual Experience” approached Sarah and I. He was divorced, in his late thirties and worked in pharma and did well for himself. No children which was a huge plus especially since I was still in my late twenties and I couldn’t fathom dating a man with kids. Now I can’t stress this enough when I say I was not interested in this guy. He gave me the willies. There was something about him that just didn’t feel right, especially when he told me the reason he got a divorce was because “When my wife and I dated we were like rabbits, when we got married the bed got cold.” Who says that to a woman they’re meeting for the first time?

Now Sarah is the eternal optimist when it comes to men and dating. Love her or hate her, the bitch can find the tiniest, littlest thing about a person that is good and make it their shining attribute. She pushed him on me, rattling off a laundry list of reasons why I should give him a chance. Reluctantly, and against my better judgment, I gave him my number and agreed to go on a date.

The date took place at Dave & Buster’s, a great first date place. When I saw him I instantly remembered why I wasn’t interested, he just is not an attractive man. When he opened his mouth to speak that doubled. Thank God I was at D&B and there were be plenty of distractions. This was the type of date where you want to get in and get out as soon as possible. The type of date where you’d rather be getting waxed…Brazilian style!

We shot some pool and made small talk. A lot of his comments were sexual in nature or just plain inappropriate. About thirty minutes into the date he asks me this question: “So, tell me about your first sexual experience.” I looked over at him and wanted to club him with my pool stick, but being the lady that I am I approached him and politely told him he must have brain damage to ask a question like that. He said “So I guess we’re not having dinner then” I replied “I’d rather stick a sharp fucking pencil in my eye than have dinner with you.” Ok ok I didn’t exactly say that but it was along those lines.
The ickiest part was when I was getting ready to leave. He asked for a hug, and my dumb ass was like “Ok.” He hugged me in a way where I swear he was trying to become one with my body. He pressed into me and I felt like I had been violated. It was gross. It was like he was trying to have sex with me with clothes on, in Dave & Buster’s on a Tuesday night. It just wasn’t right.

I peeled myself off of him and left. Within five minutes I received a text asking if that had been the shortest date I’d ever been on. Why yes, yes it was!

He emailed me the next day to let me know I should give him another chance, that he was just having a bad day. I can only imagine the kind of questions he’d ask on a good day.


  1. EEEEEEEEEEEK! Love this! You should have told him you'd prefer to stick a pencil in your eye!And clubbed him w/the pool stick!
    You can't make this shit up!

    1. I would have shoved the pool stick up his ass!!

  2. Your stories confirm why I will continue to avoid playing pool on first dates! Men...ugh!!

  3. Listen to your insticts! If there wasn't chemistry upon eye contact then it was a waste of time & gas to go on a date with this jerk!