Friday, May 3, 2013

Life Can Change So Very Quickly

It's been a while since I last wrote and man has life been a whirlwind ever since. I gained custody of my now 16 month old niece in January. Her father passed away unexpectedly last year and my sister is in the process of rebuilding a life for herself. I have been blessed with a bundle of joy, happiness and a sense of peace like I have never experienced before since Little Girl came home. Don't get me wrong, the first two weeks of having her I was a stressed out, crying all the time, had no clue what the hell I was doing, woman. If it wasn't for my family, an amazing group of friends and a supportive boss, I think I may have had a total melt down (some may say I had a few melt downs, but I like to think of them as hiccups).

Obviously being a single mom was making it difficult for me to continue my quest to find "Mr. Right." I did try to continue dating for the first month of having Little Girl home with me, but it just wasn't working. I'm not comfortable with men I don't know well coming into my home, especially now that I had a little person to watch after. So I tried to get a sitter here, asked grand mom there, but more and more I just didn't want to do it. I didn't care to do it. All I wanted to do was spend time getting to know this little person, even if that meant watching her lay in her crib asleep. Connecting with her became so much more important than dating.

Now life can be funny...just as everyone says (and single ladies can do an eye roll here) "You'll meet someone when you least expect it", well I didn't meet someone, I actually reconnected with me ex...my ex-fiancé that is. Yes believe or not I was once engaged three years ago. We had always remained friendly after the break-up, hell the guy lives right around the corner from me! If I needed someone to watch Jack (my beloved Dog), or when my ducts fell from the ceiling in my basement, I knew I could count on him to help me out. We even went to dinner and a movie a few times but I really didn't think anything of it. I thought we were just friends. And in came Little Girl.

Things change when there's a child involved. Your entire list of "Must Haves/Can't Stands" shift. I don't know how to explain it but I went from wanting all these things that were unrealistic to just one thing...a man who understood me, a man who "got" me. All the years I dated I was looking for that connection. I knew it would take time to grow with someone new but I never came close to having that feeling with any of the men I dated. I had a lot of lust, a lot of fun, ate great food, went to fabulous restaurants, etc. but it was all so empty. No matter whom he was, how great he was, I felt empty inside. I was looking for something that I had already had with my ex but didn't think to look at him in that light.

When Little Girl came home, RHM and I started spending more time together. We went to the circus, had dinner, and took Jack and her on walks. There was no pressure; we were just spending time getting to know each other again. I had changed so much over the years, especially with my new little "family" of Jack and Little Girl, that I saw him in a whole new light. The most important thing, and I cannot stress this enough, is being in a partnership with someone that supports you, understands you, respects you and still loves you when you pack on 40 lbs. All the other shit you read about, all the movies we see, they ruin it for us women. The "He's Just Not Into You", "The Rules", "Think Like a Man But Act Like a Lady"...all these books coupled with the romantic comedies really fuck us up in the head! We begin to have these expectations of men that are honestly not fair to them. Bring us flowers every other day, open the car door, make a reservation when going to dinner, call three days prior to booking a date, text me every day, every hour, every minute. It's just nonsense. What's important, really important, is "Is he a good man?" Will he pick you up when you fall? When you are at your lowest, and at your highest, will he stand by you and support you in good and bad? It's not the fancy, expensive restaurant he takes you too, the bigger the diamond does not signify the amount of love he has for you...all that means is he either a. has money or b. is in debt.

I see the way RHM looks at Little Girl, the love he has for her and how kind and patient he is with her. I know one day God willing, if we have a little one ourselves, he will be an amazing father.

I watch when he opens the door for the elderly, will give up a seat on the train for a woman or an elderly man. He has respect for our men and women in the military and supports our troops. He continues to try and make himself a better man, even though I think he's perfect just the way he is. He's there when I need him, and he knows when to walk away and leave me be. And he listens to me, not all the time of course, but when there is an issue that's important to me, or something is bothering me, he actually will listen and try to help me through it.

I'm sure you know by now, but I am so in love with him. I fell in love all over again, and I must say it's deeper this time around. I never thought I would find peace...I was always so troubled inside with worry if I would ever fall in love, not lust but love, real true love. Everyone around me was falling in love and I would cry thinking it just wasn't meant to be. And now, now I have an amazing 16 month old whom I adore and have falling head over heels for, an incredible man who loves me for me (which amazes me!) and a dog that I happen to think is the best. This nonnuclear family of mine has brought me so much love, a sense of peace, and dare I say I feel complete. Little Girl is the glue that has put all the pieces together.

You know RHM and my first three dates were horrific. I mean they were BAD. I always say give a guy three dates...they may need three dates to get over being nervous or feel comfortable with you. Dating can be nerve wracking at times! I am so very happy I gave RHM three dates because I know those three horrible dates has led me to the man I want to be with for the rest of my life.



Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Marlboro Man


I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I guess some would consider me a bore but that is how I choose to live my life. I don't pass judgment on others who live differently than I do, but I have learned I cannot date a smoker.

I met The Marlboro man on okcupid. I knew he smoked, it's not like he was the first guy I've gone out with who smoked. The only thing I ask of a smoker is if they can wait to have a cigarette until after the date. I smoked for 15 years. I've been the person who didn't smoke when dating a non-smoker. It's not a huge sacrifice to make. All the guys I've dated who smoked were fine with this. They would chew a piece of Nicorette gum instead of inserting a cancer stick into their mouth. This guy on the other hand not so much.

He was cute. Tall and cute. We met at the local coffee shop in town (yes I know, setting up a smoker for failure) and talked for an hour or so before heading to dinner. On our way to dinner (we walked) he smoked. After dinner, on the walk to the car, he smoked. When we got to my house (we were seeing a concert later in the night), he smoked three times. He was outside more than inside.

Now I did ask him if he'd consider not smoking while we were out. Well you can see how that was going. Kissing a smoker when being a non-smoker is just plain nasty.

We went to the concert where he smoked on the way in. I think we may be up to six cigarettes in a three hour time frame at this point in the date. His attitude was getting worse and that was bothering me way more than the smoking. He seemed smug, a little too arrogant. He had this "fuck you if you don't like it" attitude which just isn't cool. Not on a first date or a tenth date. He started questioning why I had become so quiet. I had definitely left my personality back in Jersey and was at the verge of not going into the concert. Three more hours with this guy seemed like an eternity.

I had gotten club seats from a rep and it was a great box, catered with good food and great seats. (I only took The Marlboro Man to the concert because I literally had no one else to go with. Not a good first date idea I now know.) The guy literally did not sit with me. He sat with the food the majority of the night. When we did sit together, he didn't say "I'll be right back" or ask if I needed anything while he was up. He just got up and left.

He wanted to smoke (shocking) and asked if I wanted to go with him outside. I said sure, I mean I didn't know the music they were playing anyway. Outside in the smoker’s lounge, he again asked why I was so quiet. I told him it was clear that there wasn't a love connection here because of our conflicting personalities. He looked at me bewildered, like I was an alien and he had been on a date that was going swimmingly well. As he puffed away on his stick I felt this sadness inside of me. How many more dates will I have to go on before I meet the guy I actually want to see again because he was not it.

We finished up the night and I made the best of it. I figured why not enjoy the next hour or two whether he was an asshole or not, I was stuck there so I miswell have a good time. His attitude had changed and things were going better. We kissed good night, he was a very good kisser, but when I told him it was time to go he said "It's not like I'm trying to fuck you." And just like that, the asshole was back.