Thursday, August 30, 2012

Mr. "DC"


For those who read my blog, you may remember my one post about my good friend Sarah. She is the eternal optimist when it comes to love and is always on the lookout for a good man for me. Well she introduced me to Mr. "DC" who was attractive, had a good job, owned a home AND a car and was actually quite the gentleman. I ask all you single ladies out there, how often does a guy like this come around these days? I thought I hit the jackpot with this one!

DC, as he has been coined, was a great dater too! Took me to Fogo de Chao, Peddler's Village, Spamps in Conshy and 99% of the time HE planned the date and paid. Ding ding ding...winner!!! Everything was going well and we had been dating for about six weeks when I had a dinner party to go to. My friend was hosting a sit down 30th birthday party for her boyfriend at restaurant in West Chester and told me to bring a date. So I asked DC if he'd like to come with me to which he replied yes.

While DC and I were dating, his company had started requiring him to go work in Washington DC two to three days a week. So Monday through Wednesday he worked in DC and the dinner party was on Friday. Things with DC started to feel a bit off the week of the dinner party. He was distant, not really reaching out to me much. I just blew it off and figured we could talk about it Friday after dinner and if at that time he wasn't interested anymore we could just go our separate ways.

Friday rolled around and that afternoon he sent me a text telling me he was still stuck in DC but would be at my place in Conshy by 6:30 so we could make the 7pm dinner. That was a 3pm. By 6pm I hadn't heard a peep from him so I messaged him and asked how close he was. His response was he was trapped in a conference room and that the company had just laid off a bunch of people. He even said how sad it was because it was Christmas time and what a bad time of year to lose your job. So I said "You're still in DC?" and he said "Yes." Ok, you're trying to tell me he didn’t have five seconds to text me and let me know he wasn't going to make dinner?!?!

I went to dinner and since my friend had already paid per head I decided to eat DC's apps and dessert. Come on, I was having a bad night and food was my only friend!

The next day I went to the Army/Navy game which was a welcomed distraction since I hadn't heard from DC at all. When I got home from the game I signed on to Facebook and went to DC's page (we were FB friends). Ok, get this, that piece of shit put on his status THURSDAY how happy he was to be home. I'm not one to stalk a guy’s FB page that I'm dating so I had no clue whatsoever that he had been in NJ the entire time.

I didn't do what I wanted to which was slam him all over his FB page. I simply deleted him and told all my friends about his small stinky balls. If he hadn't have stood me up that would have made it to the grave with me. So he goes by two nicknames, DC and Stinky Balls. I mean that shit was pungent!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Mr. "Have fun having no fun."

Against my better judgment I went out with a man who was recently separated. When you get to be in your thirties and are dating, men and women alike are likely going to come with some type of baggage. Whether that be children, divorce, bankruptcy...hell in this economy some men are living in mom and dad's basement! So I try to be open minded and not follow such a rigid list. (Note to self: stick with the list!)

I met Mr. "Have fun having no fun" at Dave & Buster's on a Friday night. He was a good looking guy, a man's man which I find attractive. We talked a bit before shooting pool and he had JUST moved out of his wife's house and into his own apartment. I thought this may be too fresh of a wound for me to be getting myself into. But again, I try to be open minded.

We got a pool table and he started texting as I'm shooting pool. Now I expect, shit I want, the man I'm out on a date with to take a peek at my ass when I'm bent over the pool table taking a shot or at least trying to get a view of my cleavage. I certainly, under no circumstances, want him texting. Needless to say his texting was a turn off to me and it signaled that he wasn't interested. As we shot pool, or should I say as I watched him shoot pool because I may have taken three shots, he continued to text. I decided instead of wasting any more of our time to wrap up the date and call it a night. He obviously needed or wanted to be somewhere else.

He walked me to my car and we gave the standard hug and peck on the cheek goodbye. He said he'd like to see me again but I wasn't going to place any bets on whether I would hear from him again. Plus I didn't really care to see him again.

I guess a week went by, maybe a little more, and I received an email from him. He explained that he and his wife were talking about reconciling and that's why he hadn't been in touch. He wasn't sure where things were headed with the two of them but wanted to know if I was interested in having some "fun" with him. Now the term fun can be taken numerous ways. In fact the definition of fun is "enjoyment, amusement, or lighthearted pleasure." So hell yeah who doesn't like to have some fun?

I wrote back asking what type of fun was he referring to. Light hearted pleasure maybe? Friends with benefits? It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what type of fun he was looking for, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting his email. No misinterpretation taken, he was indeed looking for a FWB. I replied "Yeah, that would be a negative. I'm not in the market for a FWB."

He replied to my reply with anger. The response went a little something like this:

"No wonder why men lie to women, you need to hear the lie in order for us to get what we want. At least I was honest with you about what I was looking for. Have fun having no fun."

Remember this man is reconciling, talking, reconnecting, whatever you want to call it with his wife and is emailing me for sex. Man I wonder how much fun she is having with a man like him!


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Mr. “Tell Me About Your First Sexual Experience”

My very dear friend Sarah, and when I say very dear I mean my last single friend (who is now in a relationship and has left me in this cruel dating world alone! No I’m not bitter!), and I went to a singles mixer one night up in Manyunk. It was a great event at a fun bar on the river with a good mix of people. I can’t say there were a lot of men there I was attracted to but there was one guy who kept making eye contact with me. Now when the pickings are slim you sometimes lower your looks bar to a standard you would never go to on a good day. But hey it’s not all about looks right? The personality can make or break a person, so lowering my standards seemed like a good idea.

Mr. “Tell Me About Your First Sexual Experience” approached Sarah and I. He was divorced, in his late thirties and worked in pharma and did well for himself. No children which was a huge plus especially since I was still in my late twenties and I couldn’t fathom dating a man with kids. Now I can’t stress this enough when I say I was not interested in this guy. He gave me the willies. There was something about him that just didn’t feel right, especially when he told me the reason he got a divorce was because “When my wife and I dated we were like rabbits, when we got married the bed got cold.” Who says that to a woman they’re meeting for the first time?

Now Sarah is the eternal optimist when it comes to men and dating. Love her or hate her, the bitch can find the tiniest, littlest thing about a person that is good and make it their shining attribute. She pushed him on me, rattling off a laundry list of reasons why I should give him a chance. Reluctantly, and against my better judgment, I gave him my number and agreed to go on a date.

The date took place at Dave & Buster’s, a great first date place. When I saw him I instantly remembered why I wasn’t interested, he just is not an attractive man. When he opened his mouth to speak that doubled. Thank God I was at D&B and there were be plenty of distractions. This was the type of date where you want to get in and get out as soon as possible. The type of date where you’d rather be getting waxed…Brazilian style!

We shot some pool and made small talk. A lot of his comments were sexual in nature or just plain inappropriate. About thirty minutes into the date he asks me this question: “So, tell me about your first sexual experience.” I looked over at him and wanted to club him with my pool stick, but being the lady that I am I approached him and politely told him he must have brain damage to ask a question like that. He said “So I guess we’re not having dinner then” I replied “I’d rather stick a sharp fucking pencil in my eye than have dinner with you.” Ok ok I didn’t exactly say that but it was along those lines.
 
The ickiest part was when I was getting ready to leave. He asked for a hug, and my dumb ass was like “Ok.” He hugged me in a way where I swear he was trying to become one with my body. He pressed into me and I felt like I had been violated. It was gross. It was like he was trying to have sex with me with clothes on, in Dave & Buster’s on a Tuesday night. It just wasn’t right.

I peeled myself off of him and left. Within five minutes I received a text asking if that had been the shortest date I’d ever been on. Why yes, yes it was!

He emailed me the next day to let me know I should give him another chance, that he was just having a bad day. I can only imagine the kind of questions he’d ask on a good day.

Friday, August 17, 2012

The "Limo Driver"


I didn't know what to title this post. This man did so many things wrong in a thirty minute time span to pick just one was a hard feat. So I'm just calling him by his profession...the "Limo Driver."

I met the Limo Driver at a diner for coffee. At first site he looked a tad older than 37 which is what his profile said. He was in great shape though so maybe years of being in the sun had taken a toll on him. The hostess sat us directly across from another man having lunch by himself. I looked over at him and to my pleasure it was none other than a man I had emailed on match.com who I assumed had a stroke and died since I didn't get a reply. Well Alleluia he was alive and right next to me and my date.

Within five minutes I find out the Limo Driver was 47, not the self-proclaimed 37 he had on his profile. Now some men and women will fudge their age a year or two but ten? How do you lie about TEN YEARS?!?! I asked him if he thought lying about his age was wrong, especially ten years. He replied "If I put my real age online you know what kind of women would be hitting on me? Women in their forties and I'm not attracted to women that old." Holy shit I didn't realize being a forty something year old woman was old. Look at Jen, Haley, Demi...those bitches look fabulous! I then asked what age woman he prefers to date. "Twenty-three to twenty-four. Not for their brains but for their bodies. You can't get a body like that with an older woman."

Now you have to remember as this conversation is taking place the guy I was interested in was sitting right across from us. When one dines alone they listen to everybody's conversation and I knew he was listening to ours. I was mortified.

I was trying to wrap the coffee date up but we were only ten minutes into it. We made small talk, I was just being polite at this point as we sipped on our coffee. The waitress came over and asked if we wanted a refill and sadly he said yes. He asked what my plans were for the weekend and I told him I was having a dinner party for the girls on Friday night. He told me if I needed a stripper "you know where to find me. Ha ha ha ha." I said "Umm yeah it's not that type of party" and again "Well if you need a stripper ha ha ha ha " as he pointed at himself with a shit eating grin and dirty old man laugh.

The guy at the table across gets his bill and leaves and a huge sense of relief comes over me. I look over at the Limo Driver and noticed he spilled his creamer on the table. I tell him to be careful not to place his hand on the table where the spill is. He looks down at the puddle of cream and back up at me and says "Oops, looks like I came too fast. Ha ha ha ha." He even took his hand and pretended to cover the spilled cream and said "I'm so embarrassed. Ha ha ha ha." Ok, what the fuck is going on here? Did this 47 year old jackass just insinuate that he couldn’t control himself and spewed cum all over the table? Why yes ladies and gentlemen, yes he did. Ding ding ding...check please!

I just sat there and stared at him. My jaw may have been slightly open if not on the table. He then says "I guess you didn't hear me" to which I replied "Oh no (pause), I heard you." And he starts laughing again. In utter shock and disbelief I prepare myself to leave and he follows after. He tells me at the door of the diner "If you ever need a limo you know where to find me." Yeah sure buddy, I'll be sure to give you a call when my limo needs arise. If he can't restrain himself at a diner God knows what has happened in the back of his limo.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The "Gatorade Drinking, Jerking Off" Man


I met who I initially call Gatorade for a brief lunch date. He seemed nice and was a good looking guy so when he asked to see me again I was looking forward to it. The second date, if you can call it that, was at the park near my work. It was the first really nice day we had coming out of winter and heading into spring, so the park was a great place to spend my lunch hour. I met Gatorade around noon and he had just that, a Gatorade bottle with him. Now on our lunch date he had ordered a grey goose and pineapple so when he took a sip of his "Gatorade" I smelled pineapple juice instead of the sports drink. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened next. I said to him "Wow you must really like pineapple juice" to which he gave me a smirk. I then asked "Is there vodka in there?" and he replies “Yes.” Ok, I don't want to sound super uptight here but who in the hell at 39 years old brings a mixed drink in a Gatorade bottle to the park at lunch time? I mean come on now that's not even legal! Needless to say I saw this huge red flag being waved right in front of my face but decided to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, I mean maybe he was just really nervous and needed some social lubrication.

Fast forward to date number four with Gatorade. He comes to my place and within two minutes of being in my home takes the remote and puts on golf. Now he didn't even ask for the remote, he just found it, changed the channel and sat his golf-loving ass down on my couch. I opened the bottle of wine he brought and gave him a glass. We sat there in silence, except for the brief moment where he opened his mouth to criticize the half sleeve tattoo I had been working on. So within ten minutes he was already on strike number two. We left after golf was over and walked to the restaurant. The conversation consisted of me telling him he comes off like an asshole and him agreeing, but that's just “who he is” he says.

We get to the restaurant and the fucker eats all the delicious bread and oil they bring us, not even allowing me to get some. Rule number one with me; share your God damn food! Gatorade isn't much of a talker, and instead of sitting in silence I decide to try and make conversation.  Now we all have the “in case of emergency” questions we go for when a date is going bad, so I pull out the "What hobbies do you have other than golf?" He looked at me with a look of sheer annoyance and replies "My hobbies are golfing, working out and jerking off." And this is where Gatorade turned into Mr. Jerking Off man.

Now anyone who knows me knows my face tells it all, and the look on my face was pure "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" to which he replies "I don't like when people ask me stupid questions." Well genius, how in hell are you supposed to get to know someone unless you ask questions?!?!

What I love most about telling this story is how all of my girlfriends said I should have walked out right then and there. Or they would have thrown their glass of water in his face. Yeah sure, this coming from a bunch of married women who have not a clue what goes on in the dating world. What was I to do? His car was parked at my house! So I did what I do best, ate. The food was fabulous and when he tried to get a taste of mine I practically stabbed the jerk off with my fork. Hell no was I sharing!

When dinner was over it had gotten tad cold out but Mr. Jerking Off did exactly what a jerk off would do...wrapped his jacket around his body instead of offering it to me. Can't say I wasn't surprised. When we got back to my place I politely tried to hand him his bottle of wine, in which he told me to keep it for the next time he was over. Yeah right like he’s getting another invite over.

The thing about this jerk off is he really didn’t have a clue he had done anything wrong. After that night he continually text messaged me for another date. When I finally replied and told him that frankly I thought he was a jerk off, he LOL’d and said he was just kidding when he said that. Then a few texts later he asked me what I was wearing. Guess Mr. Jerking Off wanted to do just that, come on now, it is one of his hobbies.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Quick Afternoon Delight


Online dating ensures that you will receive many inappropriate emails and text messages. I have compiled my Top Ten for your reading pleasure.

1. "You remind me of my pinky toe cause sooner or later I'm gonna bang you against my kitchen table." I actually like this one...very witty!

2. "I just had to email you and tell you I got a massive erection from looking at your pictures." How massive is massive I wanted to ask.

3. This was a text message conversation with a man I never met but wanted to send me a picture. He asked if I wanted to see a "headshot". I replied "No." He seemed very disappointed that I didn't want to receive said "headshot" so finally I said "Fine send it to me" and there it was...a hard penis in my phone. Now I don’t know if it was the screen or his penis but man was it teeny tiny.

4. One guy emailed me and asked if I would have sex with another man and him at the same time. He didn't want to actually touch the other man, he just wanted to watch. That one still doesn't make sense to me.

5. I get a lot of "send me a sexy pic" which I gladly reply to with a beaver shot. She's stored in my phone.



6. One man, who was clearly older than 40, emailed me to tell me he wanted to "bang" me. He felt the need to put "bang" in quotes. What a sweet talker.

7. I dated one guy a few times whom after a week of not hearing from him he texts me to let me know he has a headache. Why the fuck do I care that you have a headache?

8. Text from a guy "Pretty kitty got claws to scratch me with?"

9. We all remember the "Sit on my face" texter.

10. And my response to men who text me looking for sex: "When your right hand gets tired, switch to the left."

Monday, August 6, 2012

A Very Serious Case of "IBS"

Ok I want to preface this with this is an old story; I have to be going back at least seven years. Now seven years ago I was a big drinker so on the night of this date I did indeed have one too many, but no amount of alcohol could cause such a haze to forget what happened.

I had gone out with "Mr. IBS" a few times already leading up to this night. I didn't know how serious his stomach issues were but on a previous date we had gone for Mexican and immediately after dinner he went to the bathroom for a prolonged amount of time. It was not indicative of a number one. 

The night in question, and I say in question because I still don't have solid proof, we had gone to a local bar for food and drinks. I definitely had my fair share of cocktails and by the time he took me home I was a bit drunk.

I was back at home with the parents, dating's worse nightmare, but they were in bed so I invited him in. My parents’ house is a rancher, their bedroom is at the one end of the house and the living room is closer to the other end. The bathroom is in the laundry room area which is at the very opposite end of their bedroom.

"IBS" and I were watching TV on the couch and next thing you know we're kissing. Now listen I was drunk, but this I do know for sure, the make out session was pretty good. Now it could have been good because of the Southern Comfort I drank or maybe "IBS" knew a thing or two...I'm going to go with SoCo being the real culprit here. Now when you're making out with a guy and they suddenly get up to go to the bathroom a few things run through your mind. a. He really has to pee because of all the beer he drank. b. Maybe he has a major hard on and needs to calm himself down. or c. Maybe he's not enjoying himself and is looking for an exit strategy.

I sat on the couch waiting for him to return and dude was taking forever to come back. I swear five minutes went by (which in drunk time could have been three) but either way it was again not a number one type of bathroom trip. I tip toed to the back to where the bathroom was and placed my ear up to the door. I couldn't quite make out the noises I was hearing. There was some grunting, some moaning and what sounded like heavy breathing. I made my way back to the living room and just sat there trying to figure out what the fuck was going on in there. Was he jerking off? Was I that good he had to run to the bathroom and take care of business???

Finally he emerged from the bathroom. He was clammy, and beads of sweat had formed on his forehead...think Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly." He didn't seem to want to kiss anymore and I was stumped. What was wrong with "IBS"? Was it something I did? Was he sick to his stomach? He left shortly thereafter and I did what any other drunk, confused woman would do...I inspected the bathroom looking for signs of what had gone down in there. The only noticeable difference was a good amount of balled up toilet paper in the trash can, that was it!

I was stumped, crawled into bed and called it a night.

The next day I called my best friend to go over the details of my date. I explained that he was in the bathroom for a long period of time, and when he came out he was sweating. Now my best friend, who shall remain nameless, has some stomach issues. The bitch is pratically an expert when it comes to this stuff. Without hesitation she said he had a case of irritable bowel syndrome...basically dude blew up my mom's toilet. What is so very, very odd to me is there was no scent or sign of a  blow up, just those balled up pieces of toilet paper in the trash can. So I ask...was it IBS or something else? I guess I will never know.