The "Limo Driver"

I didn't know what to title this post. This man did so many things wrong in a thirty minute time span to pick just one was a hard feat. So I'm just calling him by his profession...the "Limo Driver."

I met the Limo Driver at a diner for coffee. At first site he looked a tad older than 37 which is what his profile said. He was in great shape though so maybe years of being in the sun had taken a toll on him. The hostess sat us directly across from another man having lunch by himself. I looked over at him and to my pleasure it was none other than a man I had emailed on match.com who I assumed had a stroke and died since I didn't get a reply. Well Alleluia he was alive and right next to me and my date.

Within five minutes I find out the Limo Driver was 47, not the self-proclaimed 37 he had on his profile. Now some men and women will fudge their age a year or two but ten? How do you lie about TEN YEARS?!?! I asked him if he thought lying about his age was wrong, especially ten years. He replied "If I put my real age online you know what kind of women would be hitting on me? Women in their forties and I'm not attracted to women that old." Holy shit I didn't realize being a forty something year old woman was old. Look at Jen, Haley, Demi...those bitches look fabulous! I then asked what age woman he prefers to date. "Twenty-three to twenty-four. Not for their brains but for their bodies. You can't get a body like that with an older woman."

Now you have to remember as this conversation is taking place the guy I was interested in was sitting right across from us. When one dines alone they listen to everybody's conversation and I knew he was listening to ours. I was mortified.

I was trying to wrap the coffee date up but we were only ten minutes into it. We made small talk, I was just being polite at this point as we sipped on our coffee. The waitress came over and asked if we wanted a refill and sadly he said yes. He asked what my plans were for the weekend and I told him I was having a dinner party for the girls on Friday night. He told me if I needed a stripper "you know where to find me. Ha ha ha ha." I said "Umm yeah it's not that type of party" and again "Well if you need a stripper ha ha ha ha " as he pointed at himself with a shit eating grin and dirty old man laugh.

The guy at the table across gets his bill and leaves and a huge sense of relief comes over me. I look over at the Limo Driver and noticed he spilled his creamer on the table. I tell him to be careful not to place his hand on the table where the spill is. He looks down at the puddle of cream and back up at me and says "Oops, looks like I came too fast. Ha ha ha ha." He even took his hand and pretended to cover the spilled cream and said "I'm so embarrassed. Ha ha ha ha." Ok, what the fuck is going on here? Did this 47 year old jackass just insinuate that he couldn’t control himself and spewed cum all over the table? Why yes ladies and gentlemen, yes he did. Ding ding ding...check please!

I just sat there and stared at him. My jaw may have been slightly open if not on the table. He then says "I guess you didn't hear me" to which I replied "Oh no (pause), I heard you." And he starts laughing again. In utter shock and disbelief I prepare myself to leave and he follows after. He tells me at the door of the diner "If you ever need a limo you know where to find me." Yeah sure buddy, I'll be sure to give you a call when my limo needs arise. If he can't restrain himself at a diner God knows what has happened in the back of his limo.