Tinder and Tartar Sauce

So I had a business meeting in NYC a few months after the break up and this fabulous New York woman was telling me about this new app called Tinder. She said all the New Yorkers were using it to meet people and it was really easy...all you do is swipe right or left on the person's picture to indicate whether you like them or not. Swipe left, they're a dud, swipe right and they're a stud!

It's actually a ridiculous form of dating. Most people don't provide any information so you are literally dating at the most shallow level, all by looks. But hey who am I to judge? So if I like a guy, and he likes me back we can talk via the app. That's how easy it is. My understanding is it's mainly used for meaningless sex but I'm am optimist when it comes to meeting the "one" and will definitely try anything once...or twelve times.

I downloaded the app one night and began swiping away! Oh how much fun it was to look at a plethora of men and like them based on looks alone. Even more fun when they like you back! I would get so excited and run into my colleague's office and show her my phone and exclaim "He liked me back. We're a match!"

So I matched up with this guy I will refer to as Tarter Sauce. He was the second guy I had met after my break-up and I definitely wasn't looking for anything serious (but I'm also not looking to morph into my couch on a Saturday night either.) The first time I met him I couldn't really get a gauge on whether I was interested in him or not. He came with a laundry list of issues, some red flaggers, but he was fun, did Crossfit which is super hot, and had tattoos. What more could a girl ask for?

Our second date he ate like a cave man. He ate like he hadn't been fed in weeks. I literally thought he was going to shove his hand into his mouth along with the french fries. It wasn't the most attractive thing to witness but at the end of the day it's not a deal breaker in my books. Our date got cut short and I literally had to run out to get home to my daughter. Poor guy thought I made up a exit story.

So here we are...big ol' date numero three. We met up at a restaurant and I again wasn't sure if I was feeling it. He ordered fish and chips and requested extra tartar sauce. I HATE tartar sauce. Nothing is grosser than a vat of mayo and some green shit cut up in it. Now he has his tongue pierced, with a big gauge so it's a pretty noticeable. As he was eating his fries and fried cod, he wasn't only putting his fist in his mouth but chewing with his mouth way open. Sidebar: I always think when I see a man eat  how he must be in bed. All sloppy, or ravenous. Or the men who eat way to proper. Someone once told me there's a correlation between the two. Ok back to the story. So as I listened to him chomp away and dig his hand into the tartar sauce, I then had the pleasure to view a nice, thick coat of white tartar sauce covering his tongue. It was even covering his tongue ring. I mean imagine a layer of tartar sauce on a tongue with a mouth wide open chomping away. Now imagine sitting there thinking "Oh my God, I cannot kiss that. I cannot kiss that even if he scrubbed his tongue and Listerined." 

After dinner and after vomiting quietly in my mouth he assumed I wanted to go to the bar and have a drink. Of course I went because I'm a pussy but after 15 minutes I did what any other woman would do...said I wanted to go home to tuck my daughter into bed (this is true btw, but if the date was going well she would be a distant memory lol)

He asked if he could walk me to my car. I decline said offer. I couldn't bring myself to that awkward moment when a kiss could possibly take place. I couldn't imagine tartar sauce all up in my mouth swooshing around. So far this whole being single thing again has me grossed out. I did, however, go home and swipe away to see who my next match would be!

Table for One Anyone?

So here I am...single yet again. Yes my friends I am so sad to say that things between RHM and I didn't work out. Sure as hell wasn't because I didn't want them to, it just wasn't going to work out in the long run. So what does one do? Stay in a relationship because they're 36, have a two year old little girl, a nice new car payment (RHM and I were living together, so the extra income was very nice), gained weight and scared shitless of having to "get back out there" again? Oh and did I mention the most important part of all...I was still very much in love with him when I ended it. That was the hardest part of all.

You know I went to therapy, we went to therapy, and the therapist told us that sometimes two people truly and deeply love one another but that doesn't mean they're meant to be together in a romantic partnership. I was so sick and tired of hearing the "Well if you really love one another" or the "Love can conquer all" statements that when the therapist said that I felt a huge sigh of relief come out of me. It was like after all the fighting through the hard times, all the trying to bend myself into a pretzel to try and make this work and not fail a THIRD time with him, that it was OK. It was OK that it wasn't going to work. It was all going to be OK.

It hit me when I was on the treadmill one morning and abc News was promoting the Flower Show. RHM took me to that show five years ago as one of our first few dates. My heart sunk as I counted back...five years! Five years and I knew I didn't want to marry him. I knew it wouldn't work. I knew it was time to move on.

We lived together for three months after the break-up. I do not recommend this to anyone! When he did move out he would see little girl a few times a week. Seeing him with little girl and the love they have for each other is heart breaking at times, especially when you thought, with everything you had, he was going to be the one. Her father. My husband. The man I live and die with. 

It's been five months now and I still cry from time to time. To me it's so interesting that I'm the one who initiated the break-up yet I'm still mending my broken heart. I know with 100% of me that it was the right decision...the right decision not just for me but for RHM as well. It would have been a struggle if we stayed together, too much of a struggle. Relationships are hard but they shouldn't be that hard.

The beauty of this story is that somehow, through it all, we remain friends. He is such a good man and such a good father figure to little girl.

So in the last two months I have gone out on a few dates. A few very interesting dates I cannot wait to write about. So wipe your tears all you sappy women and get ready because Single Gal Val is back!