Tinder and Tartar Sauce

So I had a business meeting in NYC a few months after the break up and this fabulous New York woman was telling me about this new app called Tinder. She said all the New Yorkers were using it to meet people and it was really easy...all you do is swipe right or left on the person's picture to indicate whether you like them or not. Swipe left, they're a dud, swipe right and they're a stud!

It's actually a ridiculous form of dating. Most people don't provide any information so you are literally dating at the most shallow level, all by looks. But hey who am I to judge? So if I like a guy, and he likes me back we can talk via the app. That's how easy it is. My understanding is it's mainly used for meaningless sex but I'm am optimist when it comes to meeting the "one" and will definitely try anything once...or twelve times.

I downloaded the app one night and began swiping away! Oh how much fun it was to look at a plethora of men and like them based on looks alone. Even more fun when they like you back! I would get so excited and run into my colleague's office and show her my phone and exclaim "He liked me back. We're a match!"

So I matched up with this guy I will refer to as Tarter Sauce. He was the second guy I had met after my break-up and I definitely wasn't looking for anything serious (but I'm also not looking to morph into my couch on a Saturday night either.) The first time I met him I couldn't really get a gauge on whether I was interested in him or not. He came with a laundry list of issues, some red flaggers, but he was fun, did Crossfit which is super hot, and had tattoos. What more could a girl ask for?

Our second date he ate like a cave man. He ate like he hadn't been fed in weeks. I literally thought he was going to shove his hand into his mouth along with the french fries. It wasn't the most attractive thing to witness but at the end of the day it's not a deal breaker in my books. Our date got cut short and I literally had to run out to get home to my daughter. Poor guy thought I made up a exit story.

So here we are...big ol' date numero three. We met up at a restaurant and I again wasn't sure if I was feeling it. He ordered fish and chips and requested extra tartar sauce. I HATE tartar sauce. Nothing is grosser than a vat of mayo and some green shit cut up in it. Now he has his tongue pierced, with a big gauge so it's a pretty noticeable. As he was eating his fries and fried cod, he wasn't only putting his fist in his mouth but chewing with his mouth way open. Sidebar: I always think when I see a man eat  how he must be in bed. All sloppy, or ravenous. Or the men who eat way to proper. Someone once told me there's a correlation between the two. Ok back to the story. So as I listened to him chomp away and dig his hand into the tartar sauce, I then had the pleasure to view a nice, thick coat of white tartar sauce covering his tongue. It was even covering his tongue ring. I mean imagine a layer of tartar sauce on a tongue with a mouth wide open chomping away. Now imagine sitting there thinking "Oh my God, I cannot kiss that. I cannot kiss that even if he scrubbed his tongue and Listerined." 

After dinner and after vomiting quietly in my mouth he assumed I wanted to go to the bar and have a drink. Of course I went because I'm a pussy but after 15 minutes I did what any other woman would do...said I wanted to go home to tuck my daughter into bed (this is true btw, but if the date was going well she would be a distant memory lol)

He asked if he could walk me to my car. I decline said offer. I couldn't bring myself to that awkward moment when a kiss could possibly take place. I couldn't imagine tartar sauce all up in my mouth swooshing around. So far this whole being single thing again has me grossed out. I did, however, go home and swipe away to see who my next match would be!