The “Sit On My Face” Man

Mr. Sit On My Face and I had met through an online dating site…shocking I know! We had our first date at a bowling alley which was actually a really good time. He was very affectionate with me, something I felt a little strange about considering we had just met but I decided to go with it.  Our second date was salsa dancing. I was very impressed that he came out dancing with me considering he had never salsa danced before. He was a real trooper even though he was as lost as can be during the lesson. Again he was very affectionate, holding my hand, kissing me on my cheek in front of my friends.  And again, it felt strange. The third time I saw him he came over my place. We were watching TV and he had his arm on my leg which he was rubbing. He turned and asked me:

“Do you shave everywhere?”

My reply “Yes”

His reply “Good because I don’t want to get any hair in my teeth.”

My mouth dropped to the floor and I proceeded to explain to him that’s not necessarily the most attractive thing to say to a woman and that I was slowly losing interest in him because of his mouth (and yeah, the kissing wasn’t that great either so I was literally losing interest because of his mouth!).  He was very apologetic, telling me how I am a woman who deserves respect! And he was going to respect me! I decided to let it go but the very next day, after a few flirty (flirty, not raunchy) text messages I receive this one:

            Him: “I want you to sit on my face.” 

            Me: “You’re disgusting!”

            Him: “Next time maybe you can stroke it.”

            Me: “I’m done with this.”

There were numerous text messages after this initial exchange, but in the end I had asked him to leave me alone. Fast forward to the next day, after I had received three apologetic texts the night prior and four more that day, I finally replied “Thank you for your apology. Take care.” Now the “Take care” sign off should be an immediate indication I’m not interested...Or at least one would think.

The messages kept coming in, even though I wasn’t replying. He wanted to stop over to talk about things; he was intrigued by how I demanded respect and God damn it that turned him on! I told him there was nothing to talk about and I wasn’t interested. An hour or so later came a knock on my door. As I peered out my blinds like a sly cat long and behold Mr. Sit on my Face was at my door. I dropped to the floor like I was in combat and slivered on my belly to my stairs slowly making my way up to my bedroom. He kept knocking. Then my phone would ring. Knock. Ring. Knock. Ring. Ten minutes later, six calls and five text messages, I finally heard the engine turn over and the car pull away.

Now the funniest thing about this story is not even a few weeks later I see him out at a bar in Philly, a bar I have never been to before. Now for all you ladies out there who have had this happen you know just how awkward these moments are, and just how coincidental they seem. He sure as hell didn’t stay long after I walked in, took his date by the arm and left. Hopefully she gave him the courtesy of sitting on his face later that night.