I met who I initially call Gatorade for a brief lunch
date. He seemed nice and was a good looking guy so when he asked to see me
again I was looking forward to it. The second date, if you can call it that,
was at the park near my work. It was the first really nice day we had coming
out of winter and heading into spring, so the park was a great place to spend
my lunch hour. I met Gatorade around noon and he had just that, a Gatorade
bottle with him. Now on our lunch date he had ordered a grey goose and
pineapple so when he took a sip of his "Gatorade" I smelled pineapple
juice instead of the sports drink. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to
figure out what happened next. I said to him "Wow you must really like
pineapple juice" to which he gave me a smirk. I then asked "Is there
vodka in there?" and he replies “Yes.” Ok, I don't want to sound super
uptight here but who in the hell at 39 years old brings a mixed drink in a
Gatorade bottle to the park at lunch time? I mean come on now that's not even
legal! Needless to say I saw this huge red flag being waved right in front of
my face but decided to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, I mean maybe he
was just really nervous and needed some social lubrication.
Fast forward to date number four with Gatorade. He comes
to my place and within two minutes of being in my home takes the remote and
puts on golf. Now he didn't even ask for the remote, he just found it, changed
the channel and sat his golf-loving ass down on my couch. I opened the bottle
of wine he brought and gave him a glass. We sat there in silence, except for the
brief moment where he opened his mouth to criticize the half sleeve tattoo I
had been working on. So within ten minutes he was already on strike number two.
We left after golf was over and walked to the restaurant. The conversation
consisted of me telling him he comes off like an asshole and him agreeing, but
that's just “who he is” he says.
Now anyone who knows me knows my face tells it all, and
the look on my face was pure "Who the fuck do you think you're talking
to?" to which he replies "I don't like when people ask me stupid questions."
Well genius, how in hell are you supposed to get to know someone unless you ask
questions?!?!
What I love most about telling this story is how all of
my girlfriends said I should have walked out right then and there. Or they
would have thrown their glass of water in his face. Yeah sure, this coming from
a bunch of married women who have not a clue what goes on in the dating world.
What was I to do? His car was parked at my house! So I did what I do best, ate.
The food was fabulous and when he tried to get a taste of mine I practically stabbed
the jerk off with my fork. Hell no was I sharing!
When dinner was over it had gotten tad cold out but Mr.
Jerking Off did exactly what a jerk off would do...wrapped his jacket around
his body instead of offering it to me. Can't say I wasn't surprised. When we
got back to my place I politely tried to hand him his bottle of wine, in which
he told me to keep it for the next time he was over. Yeah right like he’s
getting another invite over.
The thing about this jerk off is he really didn’t have a
clue he had done anything wrong. After that night he continually text messaged
me for another date. When I finally replied and told him that frankly I thought
he was a jerk off, he LOL’d and said he was just kidding when he said that.
Then a few texts later he asked me what I was wearing. Guess Mr. Jerking Off
wanted to do just that, come on now, it is one of his hobbies.
Hilarious
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