The "Pot Head"

I dated the “Pot Head” a few years back...actually more like six years ago but who's counting? A story is a story! I met the Pot Head at PJ's for a drink after exchanging numerous emails. He had a great sense of humor; the chemistry between the two of us was instant! We laughed, busted on each other and had a great time. I was so excited when he asked me for a second date!

He picked me up for dinner and at first I couldn't remember why I was so into him. He had a lazy eye (I now am a sucker for a lazy eye) and was quiet. We went to an Italian restaurant where he had made us reservations. Little things like opening a car door, making reservations, etc. add up and can really sway a woman from not being sure about a guy to liking him. I was impressed but while we waited for our table it was awkward. Whatever we had the first time we met was gone. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation.

Over dinner he seemed to loosen up a little as did I. I guess we were both nervous and an hour into the date we were right back to laughing and having a great time. Dinner was amazing and when we got into his truck he looked at me, leaned over and kissed me. It was one of those fireworks going off in every direction kind of kiss. A kiss that only happens a few times during a lifetime. I was smitten by this guy! He was funny, had a good job, was chivalrous and there was no shortage on chemistry.

Every time we would get together for a date our lips would instantly connect and before we left the house we'd be kissing. We'd make out in the park, at the bar, in the car, on the couch; at the Phillies game...we just could not keep our hands off each other. I thought I had struck gold!

Now I don't drink. I don't smoke nor do I use drugs. I don't care if a man I date drinks, unless he's an alcoholic of course but I'm not too keen on dating a guy who smokes or uses drugs. Say he smoked a little weed here and there - that I could live with. But when the Pot Head confessed to me that he was a heavy pot smoker I was crushed. I felt like the wind had been removed from my sails and my happiness dissipated in thin air. Kind of like the way smoke disappears after you blow it out from smoking a joint.

He asked me if it was a big deal, or a deal breaker shall we say, and I was honest and said it was. What came as a complete shock was when he told me he'd stop smoking because he really liked me. Just like that, my balloon was re-inflated and I was as high as a kite. No, not literally!

A few weeks went by and things were still going great. One night we went on a double date and when back to his place. Upon entering the house, a familiar smell creeped out the front door. His roommate and friends were there smoking a shit load of pot. Listen, I was 28 at the time. I haven't done puff puff give in an easy 10 years if not more, so sitting there I thought to myself what the fuck am I doing here? Being stone sober with a bunch of stoned people is not what I call a good time. I swear I saw this banner hanging in his roommates bedroom:

 

My beau looked at the joint longing for a hit, or two, or three. Hell he looked at that joint with more longing than he had ever looked at me with! I knew right then and there my man was more into a lady named Mary Jane than myself. He ended up smoking that night. And the night after. And the night after that. Needless to say I would definitely cramp his style and things would never work out but man I will never forget the way he kissed me. Too bad Mary got between us.

The "Foot Fetish" Man

I met the "Foot Fetish" man on match.com. We were exchanging text messages Saturday afternoon and all in all he seemed like a fairly normal guy. He asked me a lot of questions, one being if I had any pet peeves or fetishes. I replied with my typical list of pet peeves: laziness, tardiness, lack of drive/motivation, not open to trying new things, etc. I have to say in all honesty I don't have any weird fetishes which got me thinking maybe I should get one, but that’s neither here nor there. I asked him what his were and he replied with "I've been told before that this is weird, but I have a foot fetish." I wasn't sure exactly what he meant; I've heard of fetishes before but never knew what the extent of one could be. I asked him to explain what the fetish consisted of. He said that he really likes feet, very pretty feet. He likes to touch them and look at them in different shoes. Kind of like trying on lingerie for your man but instead trying on shoes turned this guy on. He even went as far to say he wouldn’t date a woman if she had bad feet.
 
The fact that this guy really had a thing for feet didn’t bother me. We all have something...no matter who you are there is always something. What was strange is when he asked me to send him a picture of my feet. It was as if he wanted to pre-screen my feet before actually meeting me. Remember the Eddie Murphy movie "Boomerang?" There's this scene in the movie where Murphy's character pulls off the bed sheet to check out this beautiful woman's feet. They weren't to his liking so he decided to never see her again. I mean come on now, how picky can you be?!?!?
 
I decided to play along, I mean hell I never had a request like this before and was interested in knowing if my feet would pass his test. So I slipped off my Uggs and propped up my feet, hoping the lighting was just right to make them look magnificent. It's not easy trying to make your feet look pretty, at the end of the day they are feet and are not meant to be attractive. After a few takes I decided my feet weren’t going to get any better looking and sent off the picture. So here, for your viewing pleasure, are my big, size 10 feet:



Thankfully my toes were polished because if they weren't I think he may have had a stroke.

I anxiously awaited his reply, wondering if he liked what he saw. Ding ding ding! They were approved! He liked my feet! Woo hoo this meant he would meet me for a date! I felt so honored and overwhelmed with emotion that I gave my feet a little high five for a job well done. (I could not be being any more sarcastic.) 

When we did go out I found out he was living in his relative’s basement and unemployed. My poor feet were so disappointed L they literally couldn't wait to walk away.

Frustrated

This post isn't about a bad date I've been on, instead it's just a brain dump of my thoughts on dating in general.

If I count the years I've been single and dating we're looking at around seven. That may not sound like a lot of years but if you're actively dating it can feel like a century. I've tried everything from blind dates, speed dating, numerous dating sites (I'm embarrassed with the amount of money I have spent on them. I could probably have bought myself an expensive handbag or take a trip to Italy!) But at the end of the day I am eternally optimistic that I will meet someone and develop a long term relationship. Getting to that point on the other hand is hellish at times!

After going on a string of bad dates, one may find them contemplating celibacy. I have on numerous occasions proclaimed to never date again! It's a fucking jungle out there and the rules have changed. What is with the three date rule? Google it - it exists. Now a days sex is expected, if not given, on date three. I decided not too long ago to throw my standards and morals to the way side and tested out this three date rule. Guess what? Never got a fourth date! And it did not surprise me. But I liked him and decided to give this new way of dating a try. Yeah I won't be doing that again! 

The rules, or lack there of, have all but completely disappeared in 2012. I'm not  touting dating should be a game of chess but what i have learned this past year of dating is it is. Dating is a game, and if you don't play it, or don't play it well, you're going to lose. Not all the time but the majority of us will. I have thrown out all of my "rules" trying to be more of a modern woman, or more available and guess what...it ain't working!

We women have so many different outlets on dating advice. Cosmo, books, Google, etc... No wonder why we're, or shall I say I, am so confused! One article says one night stands can lead to a relationship, another will say wait three months before having sex. Call him, it's ok to be the aggressor, men like that. Then you're told do not pursue at all. I thought I found a happy medium between the two but I'm starting to think differently.

Dating is hard, meeting and developing a good,healthy relationship is even harder. Maintaining one for years is the hardest. 

You know I write a lot about bad dates, mainly because they are funny. But lately I've been more and more disappointed with myself, with men and with the game that I need to go back to what works for Val and fuck what the books and magazines say. At the end of the day you have to if not be happy (which I hope you all are) but at least content with yourself.

The Firefighter

I can't remember who set me up with the "Firefighter", I think it may have been an old bartender friend of mine. She did a really good job on selling him to me, part time cop, full time firefighter....all I could think of is what uniform I wanted to see him in (and out of) first!

He was out with a group of friends so I rounded up my single friends, which at that time turned out to be my single friend, Sarah, and met him at a local bar/restaurant in my hometown. When I first saw him I was shocked. He was not a good looking guy; I mean he was downright ugly. As Sarah said "His face would look better if he had been in a fire." I know that is harsh but man was he fugly. GREAT body, BAD face. It's hard to keep a straight face in these situations, and it's really hard to look at someone you are simply not attracted to. I made pleasantries with him for about an hour or so and declined going on to the next bar with them. He messaged me later that night asking me out on a date. I tried to decline nicely but he wasn't getting the hint. I used the "I don't feel any chemistry" line which somehow turned into me going on a date with him a few days later.

At PF Changes I was still having a hard time finding him attractive. I mean he wasn't as ugly as I thought he was the night we met, but I still didn't find him attractive. I was trying everything to let him know we weren’t a good match so I said I liked a blue collar, hardworking man but he needs to clean up well and be able to talk business at events I have to attend for work. Pretty much I was trying to say is I have unrealistic expectations and am extremely picky with hopes he’d find me to be a snob and not be interested. Well that backfired when he took his black dinner napkin, placed it in front of his face and quickly dropped it and said "I'm white collar", then brought the napkin back up to his face, dropped it again and said "Now I'm blue collar." He did this a few times with enthusiasm and ended it with "I'm a chameleon!"

On the way home I again said I didn’t feel any chemistry when he asked to see me again. That again was brushed off. When he walked me to my door I tried to say good night and go in but he was quick and kissed me. When the kiss was over he said "Now how's that for chemistry?" and proudly walked away. All I kept thinking was it wasn’t a bad kiss but then again my eyes were closed.



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Speed Dating

In my attempt to find love I have tried all sorts of things. Lock and Key events, online dating, blind dates and good old speed dating. Now I tried speed dating twice, once in my late twenties and again a few months ago. Listen up ladies, you need to hear about this and learn from my mistakes.

First lesson: do not, I repeat, do not go speed dating unless you are in your late forties or early fifties. These events always have an age range and the women always fit into that range. It's the men who have an easy ten to twenty years plus the max age range. So if you're looking for 30-39, the men will be 49-59. Both times I tried speed dating this happened. There may have been two men in the actual age range and believe me they were a prize to be had simply for the fact they were my age!

Lesson numero dos: go with friends! Both times I went with a friend who made it that much less painful. The first time I went it was held at The Public House in the city. I went with two girlfriends and we sat next to one another. Now by the end of the night you don't feel like talking anymore. Imagine having 10 mini-dates with unattractive men...you don't have much to say. I told one man I was a sheep herder back in Switzerland I was so bored. As the night was winding down, my second to last "date" shifted from me to my friend. Half way through their date he excused himself, went to the bar and never came back. I thought it was hilarious; my friend on the other hand did not share in my delight over his behavior.

Number three: do not take it serious. I had one guy tell me he didn't like to go to the beach in the summer. Instead he enjoyed walking around the mall. Another laid it on so thick after the dates were over my friend and I exchanged notes and he had used the same lines on her.

Four: Do not go into the night thinking you will meet the "one". You will end up at the local bar drowning yourself in martinis or at McDonald's ordering the number one sobbing to the drive-thru teller about how you really wish they could super-size it.

And number five: you may actually get a date out of it! I did go out with one guy who as we were walking into the restaurant snorted, coughed and spit out a nice big loogie. See what you have to look forward to?!?!

The Math Teacher

A colleague of mine wanted to fix me up with a friend of his so of course I was game. Blind dates can lead to wonderful marriages, or so I've been told.

The Math Teacher and I had spoken on the phone for hours leading up to our date. He was hilarious which is a great quality to have. He picked me up and had brought a farting Santa for me. Yes a farting Santa. When you squeezed Santa's finger he would fart. I loved it! I mean who doesn't love a farting Santa as a "Nice to meet you" gift?

Now Santa cost $16 - I tell you this because $16 dollars comes into play later in my story.

 

We went to the Tortilla Press in Collingswood which is a good first date place. As we were having dinner the conversation was up and down but there wasn't any reason to not see him again. He was cute, funny and brought me a gift. I chalked the lack of great conversation up to first date jitters.

 

The check came and as I always do I went for my wallet. Now for any man who is reading this...when a woman does this on a first date tell her to put her wallet away. Take charge here and pay for dinner on the first date. The Math Teacher did the exact opposite. He sat there examining the check, trying to split it up. I asked him how much could I give and he didn't reply, just stared at the check trying to do the math which made absolutely no sense since he was a math teacher!

 

I just so happened to have a twenty, ten, five and one on me. I took the money and fanned it out on the table as they do in the casino and told him to take what he needed. Don't you know he initially went for the twenty! My meal wasn't even $15 dollars! He put the twenty back then took the ten, then the five and finally the one. $16 dollars he took. I wondered if he took $16 dollars to cover the expense of the farting Santa or my meal! I didn't ask for the farting Santa but I sure did pay for him!

 

Now he would have easily gotten a second date if he had paid for me. I would have been fine with leaving the tip but when a man asks a woman out on a date, and if he's interested in another one, he should pay. Ladies are you with me on this one? So when he called for a second date I made up some excuse and never answered his calls again.

 

 

When I told my colleague what had happened he was stunned. I asked him why he thought the Math Teacher and I would be a good match and his reponse was "Because you're both single." A lot of thought went into that one buddy!

 

Mr. "DC"

For those who read my blog, you may remember my one post about my good friend Sarah. She is the eternal optimist when it comes to love and is always on the lookout for a good man for me. Well she introduced me to Mr. "DC" who was attractive, had a good job, owned a home AND a car and was actually quite the gentleman. I ask all you single ladies out there, how often does a guy like this come around these days? I thought I hit the jackpot with this one!

DC, as he has been coined, was a great dater too! Took me to Fogo de Chao, Peddler's Village, Spamps in Conshy and 99% of the time HE planned the date and paid. Ding ding ding...winner!!! Everything was going well and we had been dating for about six weeks when I had a dinner party to go to. My friend was hosting a sit down 30th birthday party for her boyfriend at restaurant in West Chester and told me to bring a date. So I asked DC if he'd like to come with me to which he replied yes.

While DC and I were dating, his company had started requiring him to go work in Washington DC two to three days a week. So Monday through Wednesday he worked in DC and the dinner party was on Friday. Things with DC started to feel a bit off the week of the dinner party. He was distant, not really reaching out to me much. I just blew it off and figured we could talk about it Friday after dinner and if at that time he wasn't interested anymore we could just go our separate ways.

Friday rolled around and that afternoon he sent me a text telling me he was still stuck in DC but would be at my place in Conshy by 6:30 so we could make the 7pm dinner. That was a 3pm. By 6pm I hadn't heard a peep from him so I messaged him and asked how close he was. His response was he was trapped in a conference room and that the company had just laid off a bunch of people. He even said how sad it was because it was Christmas time and what a bad time of year to lose your job. So I said "You're still in DC?" and he said "Yes." Ok, you're trying to tell me he didn’t have five seconds to text me and let me know he wasn't going to make dinner?!?!

I went to dinner and since my friend had already paid per head I decided to eat DC's apps and dessert. Come on, I was having a bad night and food was my only friend!

The next day I went to the Army/Navy game which was a welcomed distraction since I hadn't heard from DC at all. When I got home from the game I signed on to Facebook and went to DC's page (we were FB friends). Ok, get this, that piece of shit put on his status THURSDAY how happy he was to be home. I'm not one to stalk a guy’s FB page that I'm dating so I had no clue whatsoever that he had been in NJ the entire time.

I didn't do what I wanted to which was slam him all over his FB page. I simply deleted him and told all my friends about his small stinky balls. If he hadn't have stood me up that would have made it to the grave with me. So he goes by two nicknames, DC and Stinky Balls. I mean that shit was pungent!