The "Ghost"

One day as I was scrolling through profiles on match.com, I came across a man who was extremely attractive. One of those men you don't see often, he was a very handsome man. He was also 52. I commented on his picture telling him how great he looked for his age, not expecting a reply for a few reasons. 1. I wasn't really interested because there's a 16 year age gap. B. I'm a tall, thick woman with numerous tattoos and he was very clean cut. And 3. Even though my career is in a white collar field, I'm definitely more of a blue collar gal and my humor is less than politically correct. He looked as if he was PC and very white collar (his income bracket suggested that as well).

To my surprise, and also a what the fuck do I do now, he replied.

After a few emails and text exchanges he asked me to dinner and I decided to give it a whirl. I mean it's just dinner and he did pick a good spot, Distrito in Moorestown. I can't say no to Mexican. If Charles Manson asked me out for Mexican I'd go. Now that he's married (how the hell is he married and I'm single boggles me. The same way Honey Boo Boo's mom has a man...but I digress) I'd have to decline. I'm not a home wrecker. 

Anyway, in person he was just as good looking as in his pictures. The age difference was in the back of my mind but itwas a nice dinner and he was easy to talk to. I really didn't think he was interested because he was, from what I could tell, checking out another woman at the bar but I received a message shortly after dinner telling me he'd like to see me again. I decided to overlook the old neck and wandering eye, which I called him out on,  said I'd like that. 

Now while at dinner he went over his failed marriages. Two of them. The first wife sadly overdosed and died, the second marriage failed for a few reasons. Mainly they lost a child at a young age and couldn't survive the loss. Really sad shit. He had been single for the last five years but missed being in a relationship. In the last five years he spent a lot of his time with his son who was a bit younger than me. So the guy knew more than I did when it came to dating games and how to be a player. He was very much  into going to clubs, hitting AC for a long weekend (which is totally up my ally) and he stayed up later then me but that's not a hard thing to do. He also had already raised his kids and mine was just turning 3.  

Well Mr. 52 Year Old ghosted on me. Yes ghosted is now a dating term meaning when you're talking or seeing someone and they disappear out of no where. No reason, no heads up and no signs. I know, sad that there's actually a term for that, but it happens all the time these days.

A month or two later I received an out of the blue text from him. I don't even remember what it said but he was working in town and asked if I'd like a ride home instead of taking the train (it was the dead of winter and he was using that as a pawn). He drove me home, going completely out of his way, everyday that week. He even cleaned off my car when it had snowed so I didn't have to. What a guy!

Conversation with him was super easy. It was so easy to talk to him which is hard to find. We sat in his car and just talked for as long as we could before I had to get to daycare to pick up my peanut. We ended up kissing the second time he gave me a ride home and it was hands down one of the best kisses I've had in all my years in dating. 

Every time we'd part ways a text would come though within 15 minutes. He'd say how much he loved talking to me. How beautiful I was. How great of a woman I am. After we kissed, he'd go on and on about how he'd never had a first kiss like the one we did.  In all of his years of dating I was the best kisser he's encountered. All very positive things one would think. He asked me out for dinner and I again said yes. Again, he ghosted on me. 

Fast forward to May when I received a "Happy Mothers Day Valerie" text. The number looked familiar and it wasn't a mass text so after putting two and two together I knew it was him. Now this is where I'm disappointed in myself. I replied. I actually replied to the guy who dogged me not once but twice! He said he'd love for my daughter and I to come over sometime for pool time and dinner (not happening, she will only meet a man I plan on being in a LTR with), how he still wanted to make me Belgium waffles and of course how much he missed my kiss. Not to toot my own horn but toot toot, I'm a damn good kisser! 

After talking for about a week or so he vanished again. Just as quickly as he had reappeared he was gone. Like a cloud of smoke. Maybe he's a seasonal fella and come late summer or fall, he'll scroll through his contacts and message me and say "Let's go to a pumpkin patch." To which I will kindly delete his text and skip off to the pumpkin patch with my daughter in hand. 

You see this is not appropriate behavior ladies (and I'm sure this happens to men as well). I hear about this happening to people in their twenties up through their forties. I assumed a man in his fifties wouldn't behave in the same manner and my assumption was wrong. Online dating has made us all so disposable which I find to be so very sad. So next time someone "ghosts" on you, delete delete delete! Ain't nobody got time for that!

Tinder and Tartar Sauce

So I had a business meeting in NYC a few months after the break up and this fabulous New York woman was telling me about this new app called Tinder. She said all the New Yorkers were using it to meet people and it was really easy...all you do is swipe right or left on the person's picture to indicate whether you like them or not. Swipe left, they're a dud, swipe right and they're a stud!

It's actually a ridiculous form of dating. Most people don't provide any information so you are literally dating at the most shallow level, all by looks. But hey who am I to judge? So if I like a guy, and he likes me back we can talk via the app. That's how easy it is. My understanding is it's mainly used for meaningless sex but I'm am optimist when it comes to meeting the "one" and will definitely try anything once...or twelve times.

I downloaded the app one night and began swiping away! Oh how much fun it was to look at a plethora of men and like them based on looks alone. Even more fun when they like you back! I would get so excited and run into my colleague's office and show her my phone and exclaim "He liked me back. We're a match!"

So I matched up with this guy I will refer to as Tarter Sauce. He was the second guy I had met after my break-up and I definitely wasn't looking for anything serious (but I'm also not looking to morph into my couch on a Saturday night either.) The first time I met him I couldn't really get a gauge on whether I was interested in him or not. He came with a laundry list of issues, some red flaggers, but he was fun, did Crossfit which is super hot, and had tattoos. What more could a girl ask for?

Our second date he ate like a cave man. He ate like he hadn't been fed in weeks. I literally thought he was going to shove his hand into his mouth along with the french fries. It wasn't the most attractive thing to witness but at the end of the day it's not a deal breaker in my books. Our date got cut short and I literally had to run out to get home to my daughter. Poor guy thought I made up a exit story.

So here we are...big ol' date numero three. We met up at a restaurant and I again wasn't sure if I was feeling it. He ordered fish and chips and requested extra tartar sauce. I HATE tartar sauce. Nothing is grosser than a vat of mayo and some green shit cut up in it. Now he has his tongue pierced, with a big gauge so it's a pretty noticeable. As he was eating his fries and fried cod, he wasn't only putting his fist in his mouth but chewing with his mouth way open. Sidebar: I always think when I see a man eat  how he must be in bed. All sloppy, or ravenous. Or the men who eat way to proper. Someone once told me there's a correlation between the two. Ok back to the story. So as I listened to him chomp away and dig his hand into the tartar sauce, I then had the pleasure to view a nice, thick coat of white tartar sauce covering his tongue. It was even covering his tongue ring. I mean imagine a layer of tartar sauce on a tongue with a mouth wide open chomping away. Now imagine sitting there thinking "Oh my God, I cannot kiss that. I cannot kiss that even if he scrubbed his tongue and Listerined." 

After dinner and after vomiting quietly in my mouth he assumed I wanted to go to the bar and have a drink. Of course I went because I'm a pussy but after 15 minutes I did what any other woman would do...said I wanted to go home to tuck my daughter into bed (this is true btw, but if the date was going well she would be a distant memory lol)

He asked if he could walk me to my car. I decline said offer. I couldn't bring myself to that awkward moment when a kiss could possibly take place. I couldn't imagine tartar sauce all up in my mouth swooshing around. So far this whole being single thing again has me grossed out. I did, however, go home and swipe away to see who my next match would be!

Table for One Anyone?

So here I am...single yet again. Yes my friends I am so sad to say that things between RHM and I didn't work out. Sure as hell wasn't because I didn't want them to, it just wasn't going to work out in the long run. So what does one do? Stay in a relationship because they're 36, have a two year old little girl, a nice new car payment (RHM and I were living together, so the extra income was very nice), gained weight and scared shitless of having to "get back out there" again? Oh and did I mention the most important part of all...I was still very much in love with him when I ended it. That was the hardest part of all.

You know I went to therapy, we went to therapy, and the therapist told us that sometimes two people truly and deeply love one another but that doesn't mean they're meant to be together in a romantic partnership. I was so sick and tired of hearing the "Well if you really love one another" or the "Love can conquer all" statements that when the therapist said that I felt a huge sigh of relief come out of me. It was like after all the fighting through the hard times, all the trying to bend myself into a pretzel to try and make this work and not fail a THIRD time with him, that it was OK. It was OK that it wasn't going to work. It was all going to be OK.

It hit me when I was on the treadmill one morning and abc News was promoting the Flower Show. RHM took me to that show five years ago as one of our first few dates. My heart sunk as I counted back...five years! Five years and I knew I didn't want to marry him. I knew it wouldn't work. I knew it was time to move on.

We lived together for three months after the break-up. I do not recommend this to anyone! When he did move out he would see little girl a few times a week. Seeing him with little girl and the love they have for each other is heart breaking at times, especially when you thought, with everything you had, he was going to be the one. Her father. My husband. The man I live and die with. 

It's been five months now and I still cry from time to time. To me it's so interesting that I'm the one who initiated the break-up yet I'm still mending my broken heart. I know with 100% of me that it was the right decision...the right decision not just for me but for RHM as well. It would have been a struggle if we stayed together, too much of a struggle. Relationships are hard but they shouldn't be that hard.

The beauty of this story is that somehow, through it all, we remain friends. He is such a good man and such a good father figure to little girl.

So in the last two months I have gone out on a few dates. A few very interesting dates I cannot wait to write about. So wipe your tears all you sappy women and get ready because Single Gal Val is back!

Life Can Change So Very Quickly

It's been a while since I last wrote and man has life been a whirlwind ever since. I gained custody of my now 16 month old niece in January. Her father passed away unexpectedly last year and my sister is in the process of rebuilding a life for herself. I have been blessed with a bundle of joy, happiness and a sense of peace like I have never experienced before since Little Girl came home. Don't get me wrong, the first two weeks of having her I was a stressed out, crying all the time, had no clue what the hell I was doing, woman. If it wasn't for my family, an amazing group of friends and a supportive boss, I think I may have had a total melt down (some may say I had a few melt downs, but I like to think of them as hiccups).

Obviously being a single mom was making it difficult for me to continue my quest to find "Mr. Right." I did try to continue dating for the first month of having Little Girl home with me, but it just wasn't working. I'm not comfortable with men I don't know well coming into my home, especially now that I had a little person to watch after. So I tried to get a sitter here, asked grand mom there, but more and more I just didn't want to do it. I didn't care to do it. All I wanted to do was spend time getting to know this little person, even if that meant watching her lay in her crib asleep. Connecting with her became so much more important than dating.

Now life can be funny...just as everyone says (and single ladies can do an eye roll here) "You'll meet someone when you least expect it", well I didn't meet someone, I actually reconnected with me ex...my ex-fiancé that is. Yes believe or not I was once engaged three years ago. We had always remained friendly after the break-up, hell the guy lives right around the corner from me! If I needed someone to watch Jack (my beloved Dog), or when my ducts fell from the ceiling in my basement, I knew I could count on him to help me out. We even went to dinner and a movie a few times but I really didn't think anything of it. I thought we were just friends. And in came Little Girl.

Things change when there's a child involved. Your entire list of "Must Haves/Can't Stands" shift. I don't know how to explain it but I went from wanting all these things that were unrealistic to just one thing...a man who understood me, a man who "got" me. All the years I dated I was looking for that connection. I knew it would take time to grow with someone new but I never came close to having that feeling with any of the men I dated. I had a lot of lust, a lot of fun, ate great food, went to fabulous restaurants, etc. but it was all so empty. No matter whom he was, how great he was, I felt empty inside. I was looking for something that I had already had with my ex but didn't think to look at him in that light.

When Little Girl came home, RHM and I started spending more time together. We went to the circus, had dinner, and took Jack and her on walks. There was no pressure; we were just spending time getting to know each other again. I had changed so much over the years, especially with my new little "family" of Jack and Little Girl, that I saw him in a whole new light. The most important thing, and I cannot stress this enough, is being in a partnership with someone that supports you, understands you, respects you and still loves you when you pack on 40 lbs. All the other shit you read about, all the movies we see, they ruin it for us women. The "He's Just Not Into You", "The Rules", "Think Like a Man But Act Like a Lady"...all these books coupled with the romantic comedies really fuck us up in the head! We begin to have these expectations of men that are honestly not fair to them. Bring us flowers every other day, open the car door, make a reservation when going to dinner, call three days prior to booking a date, text me every day, every hour, every minute. It's just nonsense. What's important, really important, is "Is he a good man?" Will he pick you up when you fall? When you are at your lowest, and at your highest, will he stand by you and support you in good and bad? It's not the fancy, expensive restaurant he takes you too, the bigger the diamond does not signify the amount of love he has for you...all that means is he either a. has money or b. is in debt.

I see the way RHM looks at Little Girl, the love he has for her and how kind and patient he is with her. I know one day God willing, if we have a little one ourselves, he will be an amazing father.

I watch when he opens the door for the elderly, will give up a seat on the train for a woman or an elderly man. He has respect for our men and women in the military and supports our troops. He continues to try and make himself a better man, even though I think he's perfect just the way he is. He's there when I need him, and he knows when to walk away and leave me be. And he listens to me, not all the time of course, but when there is an issue that's important to me, or something is bothering me, he actually will listen and try to help me through it.

I'm sure you know by now, but I am so in love with him. I fell in love all over again, and I must say it's deeper this time around. I never thought I would find peace...I was always so troubled inside with worry if I would ever fall in love, not lust but love, real true love. Everyone around me was falling in love and I would cry thinking it just wasn't meant to be. And now, now I have an amazing 16 month old whom I adore and have falling head over heels for, an incredible man who loves me for me (which amazes me!) and a dog that I happen to think is the best. This nonnuclear family of mine has brought me so much love, a sense of peace, and dare I say I feel complete. Little Girl is the glue that has put all the pieces together.

You know RHM and my first three dates were horrific. I mean they were BAD. I always say give a guy three dates...they may need three dates to get over being nervous or feel comfortable with you. Dating can be nerve wracking at times! I am so very happy I gave RHM three dates because I know those three horrible dates has led me to the man I want to be with for the rest of my life.

The Marlboro Man

I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I guess some would consider me a bore but that is how I choose to live my life. I don't pass judgment on others who live differently than I do, but I have learned I cannot date a smoker.

I met The Marlboro man on okcupid. I knew he smoked, it's not like he was the first guy I've gone out with who smoked. The only thing I ask of a smoker is if they can wait to have a cigarette until after the date. I smoked for 15 years. I've been the person who didn't smoke when dating a non-smoker. It's not a huge sacrifice to make. All the guys I've dated who smoked were fine with this. They would chew a piece of Nicorette gum instead of inserting a cancer stick into their mouth. This guy on the other hand not so much.

He was cute. Tall and cute. We met at the local coffee shop in town (yes I know, setting up a smoker for failure) and talked for an hour or so before heading to dinner. On our way to dinner (we walked) he smoked. After dinner, on the walk to the car, he smoked. When we got to my house (we were seeing a concert later in the night), he smoked three times. He was outside more than inside.

Now I did ask him if he'd consider not smoking while we were out. Well you can see how that was going. Kissing a smoker when being a non-smoker is just plain nasty.

We went to the concert where he smoked on the way in. I think we may be up to six cigarettes in a three hour time frame at this point in the date. His attitude was getting worse and that was bothering me way more than the smoking. He seemed smug, a little too arrogant. He had this "fuck you if you don't like it" attitude which just isn't cool. Not on a first date or a tenth date. He started questioning why I had become so quiet. I had definitely left my personality back in Jersey and was at the verge of not going into the concert. Three more hours with this guy seemed like an eternity.

I had gotten club seats from a rep and it was a great box, catered with good food and great seats. (I only took The Marlboro Man to the concert because I literally had no one else to go with. Not a good first date idea I now know.) The guy literally did not sit with me. He sat with the food the majority of the night. When we did sit together, he didn't say "I'll be right back" or ask if I needed anything while he was up. He just got up and left.

He wanted to smoke (shocking) and asked if I wanted to go with him outside. I said sure, I mean I didn't know the music they were playing anyway. Outside in the smoker’s lounge, he again asked why I was so quiet. I told him it was clear that there wasn't a love connection here because of our conflicting personalities. He looked at me bewildered, like I was an alien and he had been on a date that was going swimmingly well. As he puffed away on his stick I felt this sadness inside of me. How many more dates will I have to go on before I meet the guy I actually want to see again because he was not it.

We finished up the night and I made the best of it. I figured why not enjoy the next hour or two whether he was an asshole or not, I was stuck there so I miswell have a good time. His attitude had changed and things were going better. We kissed good night, he was a very good kisser, but when I told him it was time to go he said "It's not like I'm trying to fuck you." And just like that, the asshole was back.

Things That Make You Go Hmm....

I met this guy over the summer at a speed dating. We kept in touch over the past few months but just finally went out for dinner the other night.

We met at PJs in Haddonfield. I had a horrible day and wasn't really in the mood to go out but I wasn't really walking into an actual "date", I saw it as dinner with a friend. I wasn't sure if I was interested in the guy for a few reasons, so I didn't have any real high hopes anything would come of it, but then again, you never know.

We sat down for dinner. I ordered my favorite soup; french onion, well done, and a salad. He followed suit and ordered the same. We were making small talk about dating and how hard it can be at times when he says to me "I have to tell you something that will probably shock you." Now I've heard and seen just about everything when it comes to dating. Hell just the other night I had a man ask me if I was a witch. Apparently he had just had a date with a Wiccan so this was a new, standard question he asked women. I should have showed up on our date dressed like this...I have a feeling if I had he wouldn't have cared if I was, indeed, a witch!

In fact, he probably would have asked me to spank him with my broom...but I digress.

 

As I waited to hear what this "shocking" news could be, I couldn't have conjured up in my head what came out of his mouth next. He said "I'm a swinger." Now I thought one had to have a partner to swing, which was my first question. Here you can be single and swing, I guess it may not be as easy as being coupled up but one can swing solo. I was flabbergasted. I mean WTF - I have been on a lot of weird dates but this one was taking the cake. He then pulled out his wallet and handed me his "Pleasure Den" or some shit like that membership card to let me know he was for real. Yeah, really fucking weird!

 

I asked him a bunch of questions, one of them being if I could blog about him. He said I could, that is, if I joined him one night at one of the parties he goes to. I said hell no! Though honestly I am curious as to what goes on at one of these shindigs. Spankings? Whippings? Man on man? Man with man and woman? Woman and man while others watch? Is there a two for one deal some nights? But at the end of the day, tattoos and all, I am a conservative woman when it comes to sex, especially being shared and me sharing my man.

 

Needless to say things would never work out with my swinging friend, but hell were my eyes opened up to a world most of us never think about. He said swingers are regular people, just like you and me, which I can totally see. We are all a little freaky deaky in our own way, and if swinging is what gets you turned on, then I saw swing away!

 

The next day I checked my OK Cupid account. I was matched up with a transsexual man. Yes a transsexual man. He was in the midst of reclaiming his manhood (literally) after being raised female. I suppose he was a hermaphrodite at birth. He was my match of the day. My fucking match of the day. Sometimes you just have to shake your head and laugh at the insanities of trying to meet someone. Swingers, witches, hermaphrodites...all within a five day period. All I need now is a midget hitting on me. Oh wait, yup, that already happened.

 

 

 



Patent Pending

I met "Patent Pending" on a Friday night for a movie. We went to see The Campaign since we were both huge Will Farrell fans. He was cute, a tad shorter than me, but he wasn't a scrawny guy so the height difference wasn't a big deal.

We were early for the movie and the theatre hadn't let out yet so we waited in line to get in. You know how you don't like others to overhear what you’re talking about? Well that's the type of girl I am, especially on a blind date. I don't need the world to know about my pathetic dating life. Blogging about it is one thing, having people actually see and hear about it is another. Ths guy was so loud. He kept complementing me which is nice but it was over the top. The women behind me kept looking at me with sympathy. He was a dork. A short, dorky guy. I was trying to get him to shut up by not feeding into the conversation but he was a talker!

After the movie, which he talked almost the whole way through, we went to a local bar for a drink. He had told me earlier in the night he had been working on a patent, and if, when bought, would yield him millions of dollars. Currently he was working part-time so he was really banking on this going through. When we got to the bar (we drove separately), he brought in a folder of paperwork. He said he didn't want to leave his patent paperwork in the car for fear it would be stolen. We were in Cherry Hill, not Camden. I really don’t think someone is going to break into his car for a folder of paperwork whether we were in Moorestown or Kensington...who the hell cares?

I rolled with it. After all he seemed like a nice guy with some quirks but we all have quirks. He wanted to keep the date going so we decided to head into Philly (folder and all) to go salsa dancing. I drove (I don't drink and he was already a beer and two shots in) and on our way to the city he started telling me the craziest stories. Some so crazy I won't even write about them. The cliff notes version is he had had some bad things happen during his childhood, which in turn caused major anger issues as an adult. He played a lot of sports in his teenage year which masked the issue but by the time he was in his early twenties it had gotten so bad he had to be institutionalized. OK - this is where I decided to turn the car around and head right back to Jersey.

He kept on rambling on and on about his issues. He reassured me that he never actually hurt anyone, or caused any bodily damage. He just had some real mental issues that he was working through.

I took him back to his car, made up some lame excuse, and drove the fuck away. The guy was a mental case, literally.

He still texts me every so often and asks me out. The last text was about him renting a Maserati and us going to AC for the night because his patent was going through and he was going to be worth millions. I'd much rather date a man worth thousands with a Ford than Looney Tunes.