The “Stinky” Man

Mr. Stinky was just that, stinky. I met him at Fado in Philadelphia on a hot August day. I had actually had a drink date earlier which had gone surprisingly well but cut short because I double booked. (Note to self: no more back to back dates!)  I looked good that night, dressed in a great white dress, tan and hair down and blown out, I was looking forward to a fun night out on the town.

When Mr. Stinky walked in I wasn’t sure if it was him, but he sure did know it was me.  Forty pounds heavier and balding, he didn’t resemble his pictures at all, and I have been on a lot of online dates and when I say he didn’t look like his pictures, I mean it. Now I’m not one to overlook a man who is balding, I think a man with a one or two blade buzz are quite attractive, but Stinky looked as if he didn’t even comb the few pieces of hair left on his head in place. It was atrocious.

When he came over to greet me, I gave him my standard Hello hug and noticed he felt a little wet and sticky…not to mention his white Hanes t-shirt looked fairly dirty. After I unglued myself from him, I smelled a scent on him that was vaguely familiar. It smelled as if he had doused himself in dirty old kitchen rag cologne, I’m not sure how they would market that, but if they did Stinky was all over it!

He went over to the bar to order a beer as I thought to myself “Dear Lord what have I done to deserve this?” As he wobbled back over to me I spent the next 45 minutes listening to him talk about how awesome he was…I mean he was a super awesome man! A gambling man he was, losing thousands of dollars at a time playing blackjack online, not to mention he gambled with the strength of his cologne, if he even put any on that is. He then proceeded to tell me he had been running late and instead of taking a shower, he came right from work. He worked in HVAC….HVAC IN AUGUST! I looked at him and politely said, “Next time, keep me waiting and get a shower.”

Mr. Stinky wanted to get another beer but in good old Val fashion I played the tired card and told him it was time for me to go. He wanted to walk me to the speed line and I wanted to run there. One more sticky hug and I was sent off to be free from Stinky forever.

The next day I received a message from Stinky asking for another date. I swear flies were buzzing around my Blackberry (yes a Blackberry!) when the message came through. Sadly I didn’t give Stinky a second chance. He literally only had once chance to make a first impression and what an impression he made! There are days when I’m doing the dishes and the scent of the dish rag brings me back to Stinky and the memories of that night in August.

Introduction

I can’t count on both hands and feet how many times I’ve been told I should write a book about my dating experiences. And since I am not a writer by trait, I never thought anyone would want to read a book by a non-writer, about her numerous years of dating highs but mostly lows. I’m not sure why now I’ve decided to write about my experiences, maybe because I know soon all the memories will be lost and all my stories will have vanished into thin air. I hope my singles gals out there can breathe a sigh of relief after reading my stories, knowing they too are not alone in the jungle that is now dating. And for all my married gals, I hope my stories can make you appreciate your husband.

The “Sit On My Face” Man

Mr. Sit On My Face and I had met through an online dating site…shocking I know! We had our first date at a bowling alley which was actually a really good time. He was very affectionate with me, something I felt a little strange about considering we had just met but I decided to go with it.  Our second date was salsa dancing. I was very impressed that he came out dancing with me considering he had never salsa danced before. He was a real trooper even though he was as lost as can be during the lesson. Again he was very affectionate, holding my hand, kissing me on my cheek in front of my friends.  And again, it felt strange. The third time I saw him he came over my place. We were watching TV and he had his arm on my leg which he was rubbing. He turned and asked me:

“Do you shave everywhere?”

My reply “Yes”

His reply “Good because I don’t want to get any hair in my teeth.”

My mouth dropped to the floor and I proceeded to explain to him that’s not necessarily the most attractive thing to say to a woman and that I was slowly losing interest in him because of his mouth (and yeah, the kissing wasn’t that great either so I was literally losing interest because of his mouth!).  He was very apologetic, telling me how I am a woman who deserves respect! And he was going to respect me! I decided to let it go but the very next day, after a few flirty (flirty, not raunchy) text messages I receive this one:

            Him: “I want you to sit on my face.” 

            Me: “You’re disgusting!”

            Him: “Next time maybe you can stroke it.”

            Me: “I’m done with this.”

There were numerous text messages after this initial exchange, but in the end I had asked him to leave me alone. Fast forward to the next day, after I had received three apologetic texts the night prior and four more that day, I finally replied “Thank you for your apology. Take care.” Now the “Take care” sign off should be an immediate indication I’m not interested...Or at least one would think.

The messages kept coming in, even though I wasn’t replying. He wanted to stop over to talk about things; he was intrigued by how I demanded respect and God damn it that turned him on! I told him there was nothing to talk about and I wasn’t interested. An hour or so later came a knock on my door. As I peered out my blinds like a sly cat long and behold Mr. Sit on my Face was at my door. I dropped to the floor like I was in combat and slivered on my belly to my stairs slowly making my way up to my bedroom. He kept knocking. Then my phone would ring. Knock. Ring. Knock. Ring. Ten minutes later, six calls and five text messages, I finally heard the engine turn over and the car pull away.

Now the funniest thing about this story is not even a few weeks later I see him out at a bar in Philly, a bar I have never been to before. Now for all you ladies out there who have had this happen you know just how awkward these moments are, and just how coincidental they seem. He sure as hell didn’t stay long after I walked in, took his date by the arm and left. Hopefully she gave him the courtesy of sitting on his face later that night.